Day 2: Letter to My Crush

(Note: I'm just going to write the person who apparently has a thing for me, because I don't have a crush on anybody right now.)

Dear Kinky Man,

I realize that I'm sending you mixed signals. I am not ashamed to admit that I am doing it on purpose. I'm desperately trying to feel remorse about it, but the fact is that I just don't. I realize that you are a human being as well, but you're taking me too deep too fast. The only way for me to survive is to be willfully deceptive.

I find it absolutely hilarious that you tried to have cybersex with Mo and me last night. Believe me, when you said you wanted to have a conference IM session, I did not know that you had cybersex in mind. I haven't been into that since I was a teenager. Mo and I spent the entire time giggling and talking in hypotheticals, not getting hot and bothered. And you thought we were fucking each other. We didn't quite lie to you about what we were doing; we just used a few turns of phrase that we knew you would interpret sexually. And while your statements regarding what you were going to do to me were slightly arousing, they were more intriguing than anything, sparking conversation with Mo about boundaries, desires, panic attacks, and ourselves. The conversation we had with you inspired intimacy, just not the kind you intended. And in the morning-after aftermath of the whole thing, I just feel confused and a little disgusted.

Bottom line is, I don't know that I want you just yet, or if I ever want you. If you'd read the "About Me" section on my profile in fetlife, you would know that. You are not in any way excluded from the statements I made, because, as of yet, you are not anything special to me. At your age, you should know that, and I'm relying on this assumption so that I don't hurt you inadvertantly.

I understand that women are a precious commodity in the C'Ville community, and that is why I have yet to decide whether your behavior is predatory or just desperate. I hope that when I see you on Sunday you are respectful and don't dare to try anything.

Sophia

Submission

So, just because I'm doing the letter writing thing doesn't mean I can't make regular posts, right? Right.

This past Sunday, Mo and I attended a meetup with a (somewhat) local BDSM community group. It was just some friends getting together and eating, more 0r less, nothing too terribly kinky. The group meets in a town about an hour away from where we live, which is not too bad, really. There is a group that is more local, but I don't really get a good feeling about them. The group that I'm thinking of joining places a great amount of focus on education, which is one of the most important things to me.

One of the guys at the meetup told me about a website called FetLife, which is like OkCupid and Facebook combined, only kinky. I joined the site, made a profile (without a photo of me, of course), and some of the people I met are already sending me messages, which is nice. It makes me feel welcome.

Something that I am enjoying, but that I'm a little wary of, is that a man in the group apparently REALLY wants to do things to me. The idea of it is indubitably titillating, but I don't want to rush into anything. I have to protect myself, or I could lose myself. But I SO enjoy flirting with the guy. I just hope I can keep it at flirting for a LONG while, until I am 100% comfortable being tied up, etc. He's also older than my father, and insinuated that he would be willing to pay for my gas to attend meetings. Something to think about....

Day 1: Letter to my best friend

Dear Mo,


Thank you so much for being in my life. I know that you are so much more than my best friend; you are my best friend, magnified. It really means a lot to me that you will take care of me so often, help me make decisions and back me up.


You make me smile every day, even when I'm cranky and pissy and want to kick you. You are so brilliant that I can't even fathom the depth of your brain.

I wish, sometimes, that there was a way for me to tell you that other people think you are just as amazing as I think you are, that they love to be around you. One day, I hope you'll see that others think you rock their socks off, and I hope you'll feel a deep and satisfying sense of belonging.

You are my home, and I love you tremendously.

Sophia

Every time I try to blog...

...I find that I have nothing to say. My friend Angie at My So Called Chaos is doing this thing where she writes letters to people. It seems like a good idea, so I'm going to copycat. I may start later today, or tomorrow.

The Curriculum:
day 1 — your best friend
day 2 — your crush
day 3 — your parents
day 4 — your sibling (or closest relative)
day 5 — your dreams
day 6 — a stranger
day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
day 8 — your favorite internet friend
day 9 — someone you wish you could meet
day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you
day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from
day 15 — the person you miss the most
day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country
day 17 — someone from your childhood
day 18 — the person that you wish you could be
day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest
day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression
day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to
day 23 — the last person you kissed
day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory
day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times
day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to
day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 28 — someone that changed your life
day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
day 30 — your reflection in the mirror

I hate this family sometimes.

So, Mo's mother planned another family triple date and didn't invite us. This happens all the time. It was with Mo's mom and stepdad, St. Betty the Bitch and Twinky Boy (her husband), and Mo's brother and his new girlfriend. They all went to see Iron Man 2 and didn't mention a word to Mo. I was actually sitting in the room when they were planning it and I was not invited. When Mo asked her mother why nobody invited us, Mo's mother said "Well, it's like a date thing, with Will and his new girlfriend." As if that's an answer. This leads me to ask the following questions:

1. Because it was a date between couples, are Mo and I not considered a legitimate couple? (nevermind that we've been together a year and a half, and Will has maybe been with this girl a month)

2. Though her family says they accept us and our relationship, are they, in fact, embarassed by their daughter and her lesbian girlfriend?

3. Are we the black secret of the family that they want to keep hidden from Will's new girlfriend? Do they think we'll scare her off?

I honestly don't feel like going out to a movie with St. Betty the Bitch and Twinky Boy, or Mo's mother and stepdad, but the fact is that it hurts Mo every time it happens. And I do not like it.

When I posed the above questions to Mo, she brushed it off and said the reason for her family's disgusting behavior was more likely something that didn't seem very likely to me at all. I honestly wonder if the above possibilities are just too hurtful for Mo to think about.

Once again, I feel the urge to confront the assholes, but I know that even saying something small like, "It really hurt my feelings that I was sitting three feet away, and Mo and I weren't even invited," would be a "outburst" in this stupid household.

But what I really want to ask is, "Are you all ashamed of Mo and I? Do you deliberately leave us out because you are embarassed by us? What is it exactly that embarasses you?" However, this would also be deemed an "outburst" and "disruptive."

I'm glad I'm getting out of this emotionally fucktarded situation. I understand that my family situation is also negative emotionally, but at least everybody there is honest about their feelings instead of pulling passive agressive shit that hurts people. At least there, when somebody hurts your feelings, it's because they've said something, and you have the opportunity to defend yourself because they've opened it up for discussion.

What's funny is that Mo's mom said a few nights ago that she was worried about our sanity in my parents' house. Does she call ignoring her feelings because they just might be negative "sanity?"

Bad blogger

Well, looks like it's every four days... problem is, I don't have very much to say recently. I've just been vegging. Extensively. And stressing about my stupid car. I may have to hit up family members for the money to fix it, or money to move, because my car is likely to drain all that I have saved up for the move, and I can't move without the thing.

Mo and I have been reading to one another. It's fun. We're reading a book called Sabriel. It's a young adult book about necromancers, and it's very entertaining. Plus, it doesn't have the stupid teenaged romance crap like Twilight. Hate that shit. I've also been reading Mo's notebooks, journals that she kept a time ago and recently. It's been very interesting, and I'm enjoying the chance to know her more.

I reconnected with a very old friend on facebook, and we've been talking. She was my greatest friend through the worst part of my life, and I loved her. So it's been nice chatting again. We haven't spoken for 10 years.

That's what's going on.

Sophia Mann returns to blogville

I'm back! I was never a very good blogger to begin with, but a lot of that owed to the fact that I was in my final semester of college with four upper division classes.

Now that I'm finished with that, and only have one last thing to complete before getting my diploma, I plan to make a REAL attempt to blog. Every day, or perhaps every other day. I have not yet decideded. At any rate, I will be making daily entries during my last hurrah as an Anthropology undergrad, a trip to Greece and Turkey. (!!!) Granted, I have to do it for my course credit, but who cares?

So here's what's going on in my life:

1. I'm going to therapy. I'm trying to work through some issues I have (such as my tendency to burst into tears at the slightest sign of an instructor's disapproval).

2. Working things out with Mo. Our relationship hasn't gone south, more a little sideways. We discovered that we've got some big problems. Many of my friends (mostly the ones who haven't really had relationships) think that our problems signify the faliure of our relationship. But frankly (something that I wish I could say to those friends), I feel that it's not the problems in a relationship that make it fail. Rather, it is the problems interfering with the amount that each individual cares for the other within the relationship. So sure, Mo and I have some big problems (which mostly have to do with each of us as individuals), but despite these problems, we still love each other just as much as when we first fell in love. Therefore, we are taking this calm, school-free time to work on learning about each other.

3. Preparing for a move. We're going to move across the country to Virginia, where our employment chances are higher. We plan to live with my parents until the two of us get jobs, and then we will move out and create a home of our own (hopefully with a kitten). We'd originally planned to do this in Utah, but unfortunately, there is no job market for recent graduates in Utah, especially with the good ole' boy job networking that goes on here. In addition, though unemployment is still a problem in Virginia, it is not as bad, nor is the state's legislation sticking their heads in the sand regarding the unemployment. So employment opportunities are more likely to get better and better.

4. Being scared shitless about the move. It's terrifying, especially since its such an act of committment for Mo and I. I got a little cold feet a couple weeks ago. Does that make me the man in the relationship? :-P

5. Preparing for Greece and Turkey.

6. Studying Russian... soon. I will be soon.

7. Sleeping and playing computer games. I'm spending a little too much time on this recently, but oh well.