Musical Monday (on Tuesday): Amanda Palmer - "In My Mind"

Because I'm learning to want to be the person that I am, once again, my dear musical genius Amanda Palmer.

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm a hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hungover

Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire

And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how
To see
That I'm not exactly the person that I thought I'd be.

And in my mind
In the far-away here-and-now
I've become in-control somehow
And I never lose my wallet

Because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never fucking-up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver

And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how
To see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be.

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful,
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over

Not like me now
I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older

And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
That that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
That I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't want to be the person that I want to be.

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground

I'll start pounding the lid,
Saying, "I haven't finished yet,
I still have a tattoo to get,
It says, 'I'm living in the moment'".

And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this win-less fight
Maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I want to live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually
See
That I am exactly the person that I want to be.

Fuck yes.

I am exactly the person that I want to be.

Pondering Existence While Juggling Apples

I don't juggle apples. Not only do I have the hand-eye coordination of a blind amputee, but it's also a waste of perfectly good apples.

(Seriously, there are several more worthwhile things to be done with apples. Biting into them, making a pie with them, making them into cat toys, making an omelet -- especially if they're granny smith apples and you've got some gouda.)

My life is, in some ways, not as I imagined it would be two years ago when I made the decision to move to Virginia. I am not on the path to becoming an anthropologist. I've applied to graduate school, sure. But I woke up one morning to discover that the passion I once felt exploding from my sternum had become something I'd contrived so cleverly, so subtlely that I fooled even myself. The real passion I felt for it had expired slowly, gracefully, until one day it simply closed its eyes and drifted away. But I made myself turn a blind eye to its decline. I ignored it so thoroughly that my sudden remembrance of it plunged me into a depression. Now, I think it was meant to die, that its presence in my life was only temporary. I had such ambitions! But at the end of a 40-hour work week, I am now just another person trying to get by and make a life. My old ambitions couldn't survive in circumstances like that, and I'm not sure I want them to anymore. The price (my happiness, my health, my sanity) is not worth their satisfaction. At least not yet.

I do, however, have a cozy apartment in the Museum District. The Museum District is a neighborhood in the city known for its odd assortment of historic properties and, of course, museums. It borders another neighborhood called the Fan, which is made of an array of bars interspersed in even more historic properties. The Fan is also home to one of Virginia Commonwealth University's campuses. My apartment is just on the lacy edge of the Fan's borders, close enough to the nightlife to stumble drunkenly home, yet far enough away to sleep in near silence. This is the place I envisioned for Mo and I two years ago. And now we live here.

Mo and I are still together, despite the way life's troubles have threatened to separate us. We're learning how to know one another again after all the changes we've gone through as individuals. More importantly, we're discovering how to like the new people we've each become, and how to recall the best of our old selves. We have a cat. She had always been part of the dream, but she came into our lives at an unexpected and illogical time. I think that made her even more perfect for us. She lights up my life with her frisky little run, her purring, and her strange water drinking habits. (She likes to drink leftover water from the tub and the thin dampness on our freshly washed hands. She rarely visits her bowl.) I even adore the occasions when she crawls across my lap while I'm typing just to demand cuddling and affection. And yes, I will stop what I'm doing for her. I can already see myself as a frightfully indulgent parent.

I sometimes feel an emptiness where my pagan faith once lived. It is a hollow space I want to fill with something akin to its previous occupant, but I find that I no longer trust in those beliefs as they were, and I can't seem to find anywhere in Virginia to explore them further. So I find other things to temporarily fill the void, or at least skate around its borders. I dance, I do yoga, and I go outside. When the spring comes, I hope to frequent mountain trails.

These are things that I do, not things that I am. At this point, I'm not entirely sure of who I am or what kind of girl I am. I suppose the future will tell me... eventually.

I'm Your Opheliac

So, my psychological life has been a little topsy-turvy lately. I'm making some important discoveries about myself with the help of a therapist. She's been really great at asking the right questions (even if she treats nonmonogamy like it's a sign of mental illness/dissatisfaction with life/cheating). Here are some interesting things I have learned about me:

1. I spent my entire childhood and a portion of my adult life being loved conditionally (except by my cat, Mister Pumpkins, who died when I was 12. He loved me no matter what.). Up until recently, I have never known unconditional love from a human being.
2. I don't even love myself unconditionally. I hate myself unconditionally.
3. I have spent much of my adult life seeking unconditional love while simultaneously not believing in its existence.
4. Mo loves me unconditionally.
5. I have spent the better part of a year, possibly longer, unconciously testing Mo's unconditional love, waiting for confirmation that I was wrong about it, affirmation of my belief that I am so hateful I do not deserve love.
6. When I realized that Mo's love was not going to go away, I began to push her away. Unconditional love is so unknown, it's scary. And Mo's unconditional love is making it impossible not to feel the hurt of not being loved as a child, not being loved unconditionally by my family.
7. The pain is so great that it is engulfing, seems to be the thing that makes me. This is the part that I hate unconditionally. And deep down, I believe I am nothing if I don't have my pain.
8. The pain was easy to box up and carry with me, safely contained, before I knew unconditional love. Now, I can't contain it when I'm with Mo alone.
9.The pain unleashed is pure destruction.
10. I have to let this pain go and find who I am without it, or I risk losing Mo. I can't box it up anymore. I have to face it.
11. I don't know how to face it. Yet. But this bitch is going down. I've had enough of its destructive power. So....

Dear All-Encompassing Pain Demon,

You are no longer welcome in my temple. And if I cannot expel you, then I will slice pieces of you away and slowly feed you to the Earth. This is my life now, and I will know myself without you.

With all fierceness,
Sophia the Healer

Musical Mondays: Imogen Heap, "The Walk"

This song pretty much sums up how I have felt every time I have entered into a relationship outside of my primary relationship with Mo. Since I may be on the brink of entering a new one, I consider this an appropos Musical Monday song (even if it is currently Sunday). Hopefully, I'll get this new one right, and not end up feeling this way!

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to meet.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.


Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.


It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
On the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.


No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.


Freeze, awake here forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.


Feel like this

It’s all your fault (feel like this)
It’s all your fault (feel like this)
It’s all your fault (feel like this)
It’s all your fault.

Dear So and So

Just one for today...

Dear Alya,

I want to put on some rubber gloves and choke your little vitriolic tongue.

Sophia

Musical Mondays The Gardener (Fan Video)

It's been SUCH a long time since I've done this. Miss it! And I chose this song wimply because I love it, and it makes me think.





Sorry for the setback
I know I let you down
Turn back the clocks and step back
And spring might come around

My little misbegotten...
You're quite a stubborn bud
If we can't make you open
We will take it out in blood

We'll make a man out of you yet
We will plant brambles in your bed
Just close your eyes and count to ten...
This is as good as it will get...

Oh is our little willow weeping?
Flutter to your knees
The untilled things before me,
Oh the possibilities

Thank you for the warning,
But I still see the sun...
A little global warming
Never hurt no one...

We'll make a man out of you yet
A crown of thorns around your head
Get off your knees and have a look
This is as good as it will get...

At last my pretty flower
Is getting put to use
You've always been a failure
But now you're bearing strange new fruit...

The insides are all useless
But the rest is fertile, so
I will take the bud from off the hook
And watch the garden grow

We'll make a man out of you yet
You won't know what will hit you next
The gardener's coming to collect
You wanted love? That's what you get...

The gardener's coming to collect
The gardener's coming to collect
The gardener's coming to collect
The gardener's coming to collect
THE GARDENER'S COMING TO COLLECT

Last night I dreamt that I was outside in the winter. It was snowing, but the flakes barely fell through the tree branches. I walked slowly, drugged, barely able to see. I looked up at the trees and saw that they were silver-gray with moonlight and winter, coated with the soft snow. I could barely see anything else, and I felt as though I were in another world. Quite suddenly, I became blind, groping at the sloping ground as I tried to make it out of the storm. It was an insane dream. The whole time I felt as though I was experiencing a memory and not an abstract dream. Bizzarre.

I just wanted to write for two minutes.