I'm Your Opheliac

So, my psychological life has been a little topsy-turvy lately. I'm making some important discoveries about myself with the help of a therapist. She's been really great at asking the right questions (even if she treats nonmonogamy like it's a sign of mental illness/dissatisfaction with life/cheating). Here are some interesting things I have learned about me:

1. I spent my entire childhood and a portion of my adult life being loved conditionally (except by my cat, Mister Pumpkins, who died when I was 12. He loved me no matter what.). Up until recently, I have never known unconditional love from a human being.
2. I don't even love myself unconditionally. I hate myself unconditionally.
3. I have spent much of my adult life seeking unconditional love while simultaneously not believing in its existence.
4. Mo loves me unconditionally.
5. I have spent the better part of a year, possibly longer, unconciously testing Mo's unconditional love, waiting for confirmation that I was wrong about it, affirmation of my belief that I am so hateful I do not deserve love.
6. When I realized that Mo's love was not going to go away, I began to push her away. Unconditional love is so unknown, it's scary. And Mo's unconditional love is making it impossible not to feel the hurt of not being loved as a child, not being loved unconditionally by my family.
7. The pain is so great that it is engulfing, seems to be the thing that makes me. This is the part that I hate unconditionally. And deep down, I believe I am nothing if I don't have my pain.
8. The pain was easy to box up and carry with me, safely contained, before I knew unconditional love. Now, I can't contain it when I'm with Mo alone.
9.The pain unleashed is pure destruction.
10. I have to let this pain go and find who I am without it, or I risk losing Mo. I can't box it up anymore. I have to face it.
11. I don't know how to face it. Yet. But this bitch is going down. I've had enough of its destructive power. So....

Dear All-Encompassing Pain Demon,

You are no longer welcome in my temple. And if I cannot expel you, then I will slice pieces of you away and slowly feed you to the Earth. This is my life now, and I will know myself without you.

With all fierceness,
Sophia the Healer

Musical Mondays: Imogen Heap, "The Walk"

This song pretty much sums up how I have felt every time I have entered into a relationship outside of my primary relationship with Mo. Since I may be on the brink of entering a new one, I consider this an appropos Musical Monday song (even if it is currently Sunday). Hopefully, I'll get this new one right, and not end up feeling this way!

Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
'Cause you and I were never meant to meet.
I think you'd better leave.
It's not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.


Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That's where this ends.
No mistakes no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.


It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Inside-out, upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You're as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don't make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
No it's not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don't want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.


Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
On the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.


No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel's under seige.
Total overload all systems down they've got control.
There's no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.


Freeze, awake here forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It's just what I don't need.
Why make me feel like this?
It's definitely all your fault.


Feel like this

It’s all your fault (feel like this)
It’s all your fault (feel like this)
It’s all your fault (feel like this)
It’s all your fault.

Dear So and So

Just one for today...

Dear Alya,

I want to put on some rubber gloves and choke your little vitriolic tongue.

Sophia

Musical Mondays The Gardener (Fan Video)

It's been SUCH a long time since I've done this. Miss it! And I chose this song wimply because I love it, and it makes me think.





Sorry for the setback
I know I let you down
Turn back the clocks and step back
And spring might come around

My little misbegotten...
You're quite a stubborn bud
If we can't make you open
We will take it out in blood

We'll make a man out of you yet
We will plant brambles in your bed
Just close your eyes and count to ten...
This is as good as it will get...

Oh is our little willow weeping?
Flutter to your knees
The untilled things before me,
Oh the possibilities

Thank you for the warning,
But I still see the sun...
A little global warming
Never hurt no one...

We'll make a man out of you yet
A crown of thorns around your head
Get off your knees and have a look
This is as good as it will get...

At last my pretty flower
Is getting put to use
You've always been a failure
But now you're bearing strange new fruit...

The insides are all useless
But the rest is fertile, so
I will take the bud from off the hook
And watch the garden grow

We'll make a man out of you yet
You won't know what will hit you next
The gardener's coming to collect
You wanted love? That's what you get...

The gardener's coming to collect
The gardener's coming to collect
The gardener's coming to collect
The gardener's coming to collect
THE GARDENER'S COMING TO COLLECT

Last night I dreamt that I was outside in the winter. It was snowing, but the flakes barely fell through the tree branches. I walked slowly, drugged, barely able to see. I looked up at the trees and saw that they were silver-gray with moonlight and winter, coated with the soft snow. I could barely see anything else, and I felt as though I were in another world. Quite suddenly, I became blind, groping at the sloping ground as I tried to make it out of the storm. It was an insane dream. The whole time I felt as though I was experiencing a memory and not an abstract dream. Bizzarre.

I just wanted to write for two minutes.

Fortnight

I think it's been about two weeks since I last posted. I've been hectically busy. I went from having all the time in the world (and being morbidly depressed) to suddenly working full time (and being happy, but pressed for time). But I'm not going to lie; my student loans are stressing me the fuck out. It's a huge adjustment and will continue to be. I'm still working on fitting in my job, the gym, my social life, my writing, my pleasure reading, my relationship, and all the grad school prep work. I'm thinking that something is going to have to take a hit. I'm not an X-man and I ain't got no time-turner. (Just had to include a little HP humor there)

What is shocking to me is that I am so unbelievably tired all the time right now. I thought that after the 2 hours of sleep a night I got my last month of undergrad I would be able to handle ANYTHING. But not so, apparently. Is this a normal part of adjusting to the 40 hour work week? I'm just going to have to find a way of arranging all of my extracurriculars in a way that works. Sure, it might be like cracking a combo lock on a safe, but I think I'm up for the task. Sometimes I wonder if I want to live my life like a single person and still have the support and comfort of Mo's love. Have my cake and eat it too. But really, who doesn't want to have their cake and eat it. And then I wonder what will happen if the grad school dream comes to fruition. Will I be able to galavant in Russia studying religious change and preserve my relationship?

It's an endless parade of Will I's and Should I's.

On the self-discovery front: The Richmond BDSM community is very nice, at least the group I am doing schtuff with. Haven't met the others yet. There's this boy in it that makes me feel like a teenager. Not so sure I like the feeling much. Plus he reminds me a bit of my ex-douchbag. Not so into that, either. The ex-douchbag didn't really wash.

I attend meetings, etc. under my alias/pseudonym. Sometimes I forget, and other times it's easy to sink into Sophia. The result is that I feel as though a different person attends the meetings than who goes to work everyday and loves to read and cook. And I wouldn't mind it, but most of the time I feel uncomfortable, as if I'm still getting to know myself as Sophia in addition to all the new names and faces. And while I'm eager to start playing, I'm also terrified. And I think it will be incredibly difficult to overcome the terror until I get more comfortable with myself as Sophia, or tell everybody I'm using a different name. Not sure which prospect I like less.

I'm also greatly afraid of letting anybody know about my truest and deepest identity: the Anthropologist. I am not systematically researching this group. It's not where my interests lie. Nonetheless, I find myself disecting things I learn at the BDSM group in the same abstract fashion I cultivated for the purpose of impromptu discussion in class. It is my nature, and I can't help it. But I'm worried that if people know that I study people, they'll feel as if I've come to study them. It is possibly an irrational fear.

That's my little soliloquy for the evening. I hope that I'll be able to turn inward more often as things level out, think about what's going on in my head some more.

Pilates

So, finished up my second day at the new job. I like it still, which is good.

I went to pilates this evening. Typically I go to pilates and then a dance class (it's really more like cheerleading), but I decided that I've only finished a third of my antibiotics, so I should take it easy.

When I got home, I decided to do some facebooking and blogging. I don't know if I mentioned it (in English), but I broke a piece in my computer a couple weeks ago that holds all the wires together inside the place you stick the plug in. I've since plugged in my computer as infrequently as possible, and only VERY gingerly. Well, I must have done something funky tonight, even though I was just as careful as usual, because this time, it made a crackling, almost fizzy noise and proceeded to stick of melted things. Great.

But all hope is not lost. Right now I'm on Mo's computer, and her mom is going to send us an old computer that was only abandoned by Mo's sister because it was too heavy for her to carry around the U. The only thing that really sucks is that I'm on Part III of IV in Level 1 Russian Rosetta now. Even though I am able to upload it onto 3 computers, all my progress will be lost until we can fix my computer or pull the hard drive out. *sigh* But all will be well.