Pilates

So, finished up my second day at the new job. I like it still, which is good.

I went to pilates this evening. Typically I go to pilates and then a dance class (it's really more like cheerleading), but I decided that I've only finished a third of my antibiotics, so I should take it easy.

When I got home, I decided to do some facebooking and blogging. I don't know if I mentioned it (in English), but I broke a piece in my computer a couple weeks ago that holds all the wires together inside the place you stick the plug in. I've since plugged in my computer as infrequently as possible, and only VERY gingerly. Well, I must have done something funky tonight, even though I was just as careful as usual, because this time, it made a crackling, almost fizzy noise and proceeded to stick of melted things. Great.

But all hope is not lost. Right now I'm on Mo's computer, and her mom is going to send us an old computer that was only abandoned by Mo's sister because it was too heavy for her to carry around the U. The only thing that really sucks is that I'm on Part III of IV in Level 1 Russian Rosetta now. Even though I am able to upload it onto 3 computers, all my progress will be lost until we can fix my computer or pull the hard drive out. *sigh* But all will be well.

With Progress Comes a Little Regression

So... new job is great, will likely require use of my brain, and I work as part of a team. Woot! That being said, I've stopped going to the gym in order to kick a sinus infection. I'm going to try and go back tomorrow. I've also stopped being studious. So.

Short post today. Now I'm going to go study.

Doc Says It's All Right

So Mo has always had some blemishes on her skin that worried me. This past weekend, I looked at one and realized that the color has changed, and it's beginning to turn dark in the center. This tends to be a sign of melanoma. Cancer. Of course I got upset, and Mo, who has nearly debilitating medical phobia, flipped her lid. It kind of ruined the after-glow cuddling we were doing. But oh well.

So I began looking into dermatology clinics, and through that I was able to find 2 hospital systems that offer financial assistance. (Which is pretty cool.) Thinking that I would make and appointment first and take care of assistance later, I tried to make one at VA Commonwealth University hospital. They wouldn't even see Mo without her first going through the financial assistance program, or having insurance. Then I found out that financial assistance applications at VCU take a month to process. I also was informed that the soonest they could see a new patient would be in June. With potential skin cancer on my Mo's body, I was not ok with that, and neither was she.

The second hospital system, called Bon Secours, did not include dermatology in their financial assistance package. However, they were incredibly helpful. A nurse spoke with me, calmed my nerves, and gave me all kinds of useful information. Additionally, they had a cancellation in one of the offices, making the soonest available appointment this morning. So, we took it and got Mo in right away. She had two spots removed, and the one that I was initially worried about has been judged to be benign. Nonetheless, it and a few others need to be watched, and the doc will check them at the follow-up appointment in 6 months.

Whew.

The two that were removed are being sent to a pathologist to be biopsied, and the doctor, when he heard that we have no insurance for Mo, got the pathologist to do it for free! It was so nice of them. He also seemed genuinely upset by the state of things at VCU, and Mo's lack of hope for getting insurance any time soon. It made me feel good, knowing that the doctor treating Mo is a truly caring individual.

As soon as we can, Mo and I are going to get her on the financial assistance program for Bon Secours and possibly VCU as well. At Bon Secours, we can get her into a general practitioner, who should be able to do her pap smears, and possibly treat her chronic sinus things. The nurse I spoke with on the phone gave me the name of a few. I'm liking Catholic healthcare.

On the way to get Mo a post-medical-procedure smoothie, we were discussing how Catholic-affiliated organizations tend to be a good fit for us. She mentioned that she works for a Catholic family (small, family business). Maybe it's just meant to be.

I'm definitely relieved, even if those spots turn out to be cancerous. We'll figure out what to do when that happens.

Musical Mondays - Foolish Games

For this week

(even though I don't know if MissAngie is doing one this week)

In honor of my first girlfriend,

The song is "Foolish Games" by Jewel.

(I know this has lyrics in it, but I'll include some anyhow for your reading pleasure.

Plus, I think this person may have screwed them up a bit.)

You took your coat off and stood in the rain,

You were always crazy like that.

And I watched from my window,

Always felt I was outside

Looking in on you.

You were always the mysterious one with

Dark eyes and careless hair.

You were fashionably sensitive,

But too cool to care.

You stood in my doorway,

With nothing to say

Besides some comment on the weather.

Well in case you failed to notice,

In case you failed to see,

This is my heart bleeding before you.

This is me down on my knees.

These foolish games are tearing me apart.

And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

You're breaking my heart.

You're always brilliant in the morning,

Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee.

Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you,

And you loved Mozart.

And you'd speak of your loved ones

As I clumsily strummed my guitar.

You'd teach me of honest things,

Things that were daring,

Things that were clean,

Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.

So I hid my soiled hands behind my back.

Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you.

Well, excuse me,

Guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,

Somebody who gave a damn,

Somebody more like myself.

These foolish games are tearing me,

They're tearing me,

You're tearing me apart.
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart.

You took your coat off,

And stood in the rain,

You were always crazy like that.

The music video for this song is gorgeous, but it is shorter than the album version, which I believe I included here (can't listen to it at work). So, yeah. Enjoy.

Job and stuff

So, I finally did it. I got a full-time job. It is nothing glamorous, but it pays pretty well, and it's 37.5 hours a week. The hours are great, too. Monday through Friday, all days! There is a possibility for overtime, but that will be ok. Everybody does that from time to time.

Some of the work I've been doing in therapy has brought some old issues to light. Five year-old issues. Deep trauma and hurt. I wrote a letter to my ex-girlfriend, the one who got my virginity and walked on it. I figured that it is finally time to ask her to apologize and also give her a chance to explain her side. She never had that chance, you see. I also am telling her how I felt through the whole thing for the first time. I still have to decide if I'm going to send it. I don't know if I'm prepared for the potential backlash. But, if I choose to send it, it's ready for it. (Btw, I wrote a facebook status about writing a therapeutic letter to a girl who hurt me and not sending it, and she commented. She said, "I hope it's not me!" Interesting, don't you think?) I'm really not sure what to do about it yet. At any rate, before I send it, I'll need to ask her for her email or her address. So that will be a telling factor.

But I'm feeling positive, and things seem to be going well. :-)

Musical Mondays: Dog Days Are Over

Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
Because here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

I picked this song because it's the coolest song I've heard on the radio this week. I like it a lot.

Fitness and Working Out

So, I've recently found some blogs that detail people's fitness and health journeys. I would like to share some of my own here, in my blog.

I joined Gold's Gym about 3 months ago. My attendance has thusfar been sporadic. The holidays caused some trouble, and my grandpa's death did, too. I've been kind of figuring out what I like to do there, and what I want. I've also been waiting for the pool to open, contending with deep depression, and trying to find the right mindset for my gym stuff.

Here is my mindset:

I LOVE to dance. I want to continue to study fine art dance, such as Modern, Ballet, and Jazz throughout my life. And then, perhaps in 10 years, I will be able to dance the way I want to, like in the picture. I also want to learn how to do Aerial Silk dance/acrobatics. Right now, I can't afford to take fine art dance classes, and classes for adults are difficult to find anyhow. But someday, I will be able to afford to dance, or I will be in grad school taking classes as electives. Therefore, all the work I am doing at the gym is for a single purpose: I will condition my body to re-enter the study of Dance.

Here are my pitfalls/naysayers and the "so what?" response:

1. My body is not designed for Dance, as far as I know.
I am short, stocky, and rigid. There's nothing long and lean about my 5'3, 190 lb, size 14 stature. Since I was about 8 years old, I've been chunky. I've never experienced a lean, muscular version of my body. In order to jump, leap, cartwheel, etc., my ankles, knees, wrists, and shoulders will have to contend with a great deal of mass--unless I am able to lose weight, which is something my body does only VERY grudgingly. In addition, I wasn't even flexible as a child.

So what? I am short, stocky, and rigid. That doesn't mean I can't move. I've got fantastic calf muscles, and the muscles in my ankles and feet have conquered the multiple injuries they've sustained many times over. And even if I can't lose the weight, I guess that means it'll take longer for my muscles to build up enough to lift and carry those 190 lbs. Whatevuh. And about my flexibility? This is the first time I've actually tried to be flexible. I'm sure with enough work and patience, the flexibility will come. It has slowly been getting better already. I've felt it happening.

2. I'm old.
It's true. Most people who dance like that have been dancing their entire lives. It has literally taken them years of preparation and work. Years of work with a youthful, growing body.

So what? I'm not growing anymore. That doesn't mean I can't change my body. Sure, it might take years and years of work. But it's not like I'm planning to go into this as a career, where my youth would be necessary. I will be 35 years old at my Modern Dance prime, if I must. I will be 40 years old, 50. Maybe if I keep on top of things, my body won't start falling apart by then.

3. I've got some injuries.
Yep. 23 years old with 2 bad crashes in my history, a shattered ankle, and a lifetime of clumsiness. I've got neck and shoulder problems that merit going to the acupuncturist and chiropractor regularly, which I don't do because of the financial complications involved.

So what? I pretty much rehabilitated my ankle over the course of two semesters of Modern Dance. And my neck is slowly getting better the more I use and strengthen the muscles, just like my ankle did. It may never get its curvature back, and my upper spine may fuse while I'm still young, but I'll deal with that IF it happens. Right now, I'm doing the best thing that I can for it... exercising.

4. I have no talent.
Sometimes, I look at other people dancing, and I think I don't have any talent.

I do have talent. It may not be readily apparent, but I can feel things, see things, and understand the artistry in dance. It's possible that a) I'm just being down on myself; and b) I haven't had the opportunity to develop my talent. Plus, I love to dance, so... So what?

Therefore...

I am attending 3 pilates classes a week (for core strength and muscle elongation), 1 yoga class (for flexibility and upper body strength), 1 swimming drills class (can I say cardio?!), 1 hip hop dance class (which I do barefoot for ankle strength, foot articulation, and to build those calluses back up. Boo ya.), and a water aerobics class (for flexibility and joint health). Plus, if I'm not dying, I plan to do some cardio and weights once a week.

I am a college student, heart and soul. Therefore, my attendance policy is this: Only 3 absences per semester (between now and the end of May). Additionally, as these classes slowly kick my butt less each week, I plan to add more yoga into the mix, and more independent cardio and weight lifting. And as the weather warms and the money sitchie improves, I will be trekking up mountainsides! Springtime is absolutely beautiful here, and I plan to take full advantage of it.

These are my plans. I'm going to follow them... because I want to be the best dancer I can be!

Virginity Loss "Ritual" to Stream?

Pornography. It's not a pretty word for something of which many partake. Despite many efforts of right-wing Christendom to squash the industry, it thrives. I believe this is, in part, due to the tabooed status sexuality has in our society, and the potential for secrecy in a sex-life steeped in pornography. But that is not the topic of this blog.

My main beef with porn, to be honest, is not whether it's "moral" or what have you; my central issue is the way it portrays women. Women are portrayed as squealing, moaning, passive idiots who will enjoy, well, everything men do to them. And let's not even get into the squeaking, bosom-heaving "lesbians" tearing through the porn market with their french-tipped nails (Come on, can you imagine getting one of those in your V-hole? It would be like fucking Edward Scissorhands.), or the abundance of waxed vajayjays that look prepubescent and serve to demonize pubic hair amongst heterosexual males. Women are "taken," "had," or "fucked." Women do not take, have, or fuck men. Not in porn. And a recent development in the kinky porn industry serves to reinforce this idea. Regard this:

http://jezebel.com/5731652/the-real-problem-with-a-hymen-cam
and this:
http://business.avn.com/articles/technology/Kink-com-To-Stream-Deflowering-of-Young-Virgin-Live-on-the-Internet-421228.html

The articles detail a live-streaming "event" in which a pornstar, who has heretofore not engaged in vaginal sex, will be ritually "de-flowered" (because we're all born with fucking bright-ass red roses in our vaginas) in front of a live, web-streaming audience. I have almost no issues with Nicki Blue, or her perception of virginity. She can choose to perceive her own V-card the way she wants to, and she can choose to "lose" it the way she wants (assuming we lose anything the first time we have vaginal sex). Because it's hers, part of her body.

But...

I reject the structure of the "ritual." Prior to the ritual's beginning, there will be a so-called "kink.com official hymen-cam" inserted into her vagina to validate the presence of a hymen. Nevermind that a hymen is a thin membrane that can be broken any number of ways throughout a woman's life and sometimes does not even grow. Three men are set to participate. Nicki Blue will be immobilized, BDSM style. The "viewers" will vote on which man's penis is to complete the "death stroke" into her rose-tipped orifice, and then the other two men will "join in" and "make her air tight," whatever the fuck that means.

This is insane. There are places in this world where women are executed if they don't bleed on their wedding sheets. To have a ceremonial, public "deflowering ritual" in which the virginity must be medically confirmed in the United States for the purpose of entertainment, masturbatory stimulation, and making bank is an insult to the women who are being killed for their lacking hymens all around the world, who have been killed in the religious history of the majority of US citizens (think: Old Testament). Not only that, but there are US citizens who have come here to escape places where "deflowered" women are executed. It's like going to a pub in Ireland and ordering an Irish Car Bomb.

It also reaffirms and symbolically plays out an idea that many women have been trying to eliminate from people's heads: that virginity is something that is to be taken from women and not given to men, that women do not control their own sexuality. Sure, one could argue that through her consent/incitement of this display she is giving her virginity to whatever man the viewers choose and thereby controlling her own sexuality. However, the fact that she is not choosing the man herself is a strike against that idea. In addition, to somebody who does not have a thorough understanding of BDSM dynamics and the nature of consent in the BDSM world, this scene will seem to condone violence and the ritualistic rape of virgins.

It is also possible to see this as the sort of "deep play" that Clifford Geertz talks about in his essay of the same title. (http://rfrost.people.si.umich.edu/courses/MatCult/content/Geertz.pdf) The idea that Geertz outlines is that many of the performances in society are done as a reflection of societal circumstances which serves to dissipate tension between neighbors within the healthy, "not real" parameters of a game. But this is a far cry from neighbors fighting their roosters in order to symbolically play out their own rivalries and thereby avoid village war. The "deflowering" of Nicki Blue is intended to be real, to be viewed as real, and not as a performance.

Since I also have scholarly background in contemporary art, I may as well share my art-critic brain's two cents. If the proceeds of the "event" were going to be given to, perhaps, V-Day or another foundation promoting the cessation of violence against women and girls or sex-positivity in places where the presence of virginity is a life-or-death matter, then I could see it as a piece of performance art rejecting mysogyny by making a statement about it. Sort of. Even with that idea, the definition of this performance as "art" is sorely tried. The only way this would make it into a gallery was if it was fake, a dance, or some other artistic form which was meant to allude to human sexual behavior. In other words, there would be no erect penises, no petetration, no orgasms, and, most importantly, no actual virginity being given or taken. Therefore, it wouldn't be the Kink.com Streaming Public Virginity Loss event of the millenium that is set to take place this month.

This "performance event" is pornography that is being given too much media attention in a world that is already fucked up for women and their vaginas. Do we really need such blatantly incendiary and backwards shit happening in the porn industry? I should say not. In my opinion, this is one BIG step back for the allegedly sex-positive and pro-feminist porn industry.

BOOOOOOOKKKKKSSSS!!!!!

Yes. I got books in the mail. They were a Christmas gift from my parents. Included in the books which have arrived are:

The Oxford Russian-English Dictionary
Oxford Russian Grammar and Verbs
Russian Stories/Russkie Rasskazi: A Dual Language Book
Russian Folk Belief

The books I'm still waiting on are:
A history of Russia split into two volumes and a book on symbolic anthropology written by Victor Turner.

My sister also gave me a book on getting into grad school, and I've been studying for the GRE as well. All of this makes me feel as though the intertia may be coming to an end. The grad school thing is going to happen!

I'm also going to a meetup with a Russian Speakers group here in Richmond this Friday. I'm so terrified! I don't speak very well, yet. And even though I can understand the voices in my Rosetta Stone, I don't know what will happen when I try to understand real voices, and even--dear lord--respond! Plus, it is an Old New Year celebration, and I haven't been able to find anything about it. I have no idea what to expect. And even though I'm nervous, I'm also so excited!

Just wanted to share this

Random guy on fetlife who messaged me for no reason: liked your profile, just wanted to say hi.

Me: :-) Hi. I checked your profile out as well. It was a little enigmatic. Tell me more about yourself.

RG: Anything in particular that you'd like to know?

Me: Nope. Nothing in particular. Time to be creative.

RG: I'm well traveled, handsome, I've got jokes, and I run the hat factory. How about you?

Me(in about two minutes): I'm well traveled, of average appearance, I laugh at jokes and occasionally make them when I get a divine spark of witticism, and I work a dead end job. If I were more attractive and didn't entertain thoughts of one day working for the government, I would work a better dead end job as a sex worker, because they make bank. Then again, the idea of choking down a few hundred loads makes me want to hurl, so maybe not. As things stand, though, I'm a normal person trying to make it by in a harsh economy.

Aside from that, I'm wicked smart and showed promise once upon seven months ago. I'm also sarcastic, though I'm sure it wasn't obvious. :-P

Me(a few minutes later after a face-palm moment): Oh, and I sometimes forget that exchanging letters is an act of reciprocity, and that one person must out-do the other in both querying and stating details in order to elicit a response from the other party. I also forget how to ask normal-people questions, such as "what do you like to do in your spare time, assuming you have it?" and "what kind of music/art/cinema/food do you enjoy?" I prefer to go straight for questions like, "Some people think that in order to attain perfection, one must effectively sell one's soul to the devil. What are your thoughts?"

So, what do you do in your spare time? What kind of music/art/cinema/food do you enjoy consuming (visually, aurally, or digestively)? What are your thoughts on the above statement? Also, (even though I have googled the hat factory and know that it is a music venue of some kind) I would love to hear you describe it in your words.

I haven't heard from the guy.

Was it something I said?