I'm working out. I'm eating less. I'm drinking more water. I can climb a mountain and not get winded.
But I'm still gaining weight. I find new, pink stretch marks everyday.
I'm doing everything right, as far as I know. It's been a month now, and I'm 10 lbs. heavier than I was last month.
I don't understand what's wrong.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Day 8: Letter to my favorite internet friend
This friend is a person I know in real life, but only knows me online as my internet persona. She is an old friend who I am (possibly irrationally) afraid wouldn't add me to her cyberspace whatever if she knew it was actually me. Go figure. If she reads this, she may figure it out, but I doubt that she reads it.
Dear Annika,
I guess this doesn't count if I know you in real life, but you don't know you know me in real life, so I guess it does. I realize it's kind of stalker-ish to do this, and for that, I'm sorry. But I miss you, I think about you often, and I want to know how you're doing.
You were my best friend my freshman year. You helped me get through that hellish time of my life, and you helped me learn about myself. For that, I will forever be thankful. I still recall our shared geekiness and our late-night walks to 7-11, the graveyard, and the gazebo with fondness and nostalgia. I'm a different person now, as I am certain you are, and I can't help but wonder if the people we've become would be such good friends as our selves of 5 years ago were. As I grow older, I feel the strain that distance puts on friendships more acutely. I always knew it existed, but now it seems to matter more. Perhaps that's because it's difficult to maintain friendships as an adult, anyhow. I wish the physical distance between us were smaller, as well as the emotional distance.
Love,
Sophia
Dear Annika,
I guess this doesn't count if I know you in real life, but you don't know you know me in real life, so I guess it does. I realize it's kind of stalker-ish to do this, and for that, I'm sorry. But I miss you, I think about you often, and I want to know how you're doing.
You were my best friend my freshman year. You helped me get through that hellish time of my life, and you helped me learn about myself. For that, I will forever be thankful. I still recall our shared geekiness and our late-night walks to 7-11, the graveyard, and the gazebo with fondness and nostalgia. I'm a different person now, as I am certain you are, and I can't help but wonder if the people we've become would be such good friends as our selves of 5 years ago were. As I grow older, I feel the strain that distance puts on friendships more acutely. I always knew it existed, but now it seems to matter more. Perhaps that's because it's difficult to maintain friendships as an adult, anyhow. I wish the physical distance between us were smaller, as well as the emotional distance.
Love,
Sophia
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Day 7: Letter to my Ex-Girlfriend/Crush
Dear Allie,
I still want you from time to time. There were so many things that were wrong the first time. First of all, 22 and 18 is a HUGE age difference, but 27 and 23 isn't so much of one. At least you told me you were 22. According to your facebook, you were 21. It's strange that you would lie about something like that. Regardless, a senior in college is much different than a freshman. Also, I was a complete puppy dog for you. I wanted you so bad that I would have lost myself completely just to have you.
But frankly, the few times we fucked, it wasn't that great. The first time, you barely kissed me. I know now that I needed a lot of kisses to ease me into the whole losing my virginity thing, need a lot of kissing in general during sex. And the second time, you were so high on hydrocodine pills (that I ground up because you were going to snort sharp little pieces and probably tear your nostrils up), that you wouldn't let me do anything to you, said it would make no difference.
The only time I sincerely want you is when my self-esteem is at ultimate lows. Other times, I think that it would be nice to meet through some misunderstanding or freak circumstance and somehow end up in bed together. I'd like to see if you really are as bad as I thought you were, and maybe give you the kind of highly orgasmic sex that makes it hard to walk for a few days. And never speak to you again. Maybe it's sad to want a good revenge fuck. It's probably better not to engage in such behavior, and I know you're not worth it. But... can't help but fantasize about it.
Then again, I don't want an STD.
Sophia
I still want you from time to time. There were so many things that were wrong the first time. First of all, 22 and 18 is a HUGE age difference, but 27 and 23 isn't so much of one. At least you told me you were 22. According to your facebook, you were 21. It's strange that you would lie about something like that. Regardless, a senior in college is much different than a freshman. Also, I was a complete puppy dog for you. I wanted you so bad that I would have lost myself completely just to have you.
But frankly, the few times we fucked, it wasn't that great. The first time, you barely kissed me. I know now that I needed a lot of kisses to ease me into the whole losing my virginity thing, need a lot of kissing in general during sex. And the second time, you were so high on hydrocodine pills (that I ground up because you were going to snort sharp little pieces and probably tear your nostrils up), that you wouldn't let me do anything to you, said it would make no difference.
The only time I sincerely want you is when my self-esteem is at ultimate lows. Other times, I think that it would be nice to meet through some misunderstanding or freak circumstance and somehow end up in bed together. I'd like to see if you really are as bad as I thought you were, and maybe give you the kind of highly orgasmic sex that makes it hard to walk for a few days. And never speak to you again. Maybe it's sad to want a good revenge fuck. It's probably better not to engage in such behavior, and I know you're not worth it. But... can't help but fantasize about it.
Then again, I don't want an STD.
Sophia
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Woman Crush
So, I've finally developed a crush on somebody again. And here's the strange thing. I've never met this person or spoken with this person. Who is it?
Her name is Margot Weiss, and she's an anthropologist who's stuff I've been reading. She did most of her field work on the BDSM community, and on SM play as an act which dissipates societal tension. It's very interesting stuff and she seems to work within the theoretical framework that (vernacularly) rocks my socks off. She sited an essay by Clifford Geertz about the Balinese cockfight several times. It's a very amusing essay, and works with the concept of symbol and metaphor within society. I have a total intellectual hard-on for that sort of thing.
Ok, so it's more of an OMG-she's-awesome woman-crush than a romantic crush. But still. I would probably not be able to talk if she suddenly walked into my office. And I might swoon a little bit.
Unfortunately, she teaches at a university that only has an anthro undergrad program, but I'm reading her PhD dissertation right now, and so I'm also looking into where she studied as a grad student. If she could apply the theoretical framework of "safe" and "accepted" anthropology to a topic that is so taboo (even in academic circles) and have that research approved by her advisers and published in Anthropologica, then perhaps that school is worth applying to.
Her name is Margot Weiss, and she's an anthropologist who's stuff I've been reading. She did most of her field work on the BDSM community, and on SM play as an act which dissipates societal tension. It's very interesting stuff and she seems to work within the theoretical framework that (vernacularly) rocks my socks off. She sited an essay by Clifford Geertz about the Balinese cockfight several times. It's a very amusing essay, and works with the concept of symbol and metaphor within society. I have a total intellectual hard-on for that sort of thing.
Ok, so it's more of an OMG-she's-awesome woman-crush than a romantic crush. But still. I would probably not be able to talk if she suddenly walked into my office. And I might swoon a little bit.
Unfortunately, she teaches at a university that only has an anthro undergrad program, but I'm reading her PhD dissertation right now, and so I'm also looking into where she studied as a grad student. If she could apply the theoretical framework of "safe" and "accepted" anthropology to a topic that is so taboo (even in academic circles) and have that research approved by her advisers and published in Anthropologica, then perhaps that school is worth applying to.
Day 6: Letter to a Stranger
Dear Stranger,
I haven't noticed many strangers on the street. That's probably because I don't go out much, and when I do, I am distracted. So I'm writing this letter to you -- to any stranger in general.
Whenever I see you and notice you, I always wonder about your life. Are you married? Do you have children? Are you having a good day? Are you an asshole? Then come the self-absorbed questions. Is there any possibility that we would somehow make out under the right circumstances? Would the two of us be friends? Do you like the same things I like?
Then you pass by me, and the moment is gone. It completely dissolves into my brain, like it never existed. Yet, on occasions such as this when I try to recall the experience of seeing you and thinking about you, the moment rematerializes and combines with the current moment.
At this moment, I wonder, will I ever speak to you? Will I ever learn the answers to the questions I have? Or will you always be a stranger?
Sophia
I haven't noticed many strangers on the street. That's probably because I don't go out much, and when I do, I am distracted. So I'm writing this letter to you -- to any stranger in general.
Whenever I see you and notice you, I always wonder about your life. Are you married? Do you have children? Are you having a good day? Are you an asshole? Then come the self-absorbed questions. Is there any possibility that we would somehow make out under the right circumstances? Would the two of us be friends? Do you like the same things I like?
Then you pass by me, and the moment is gone. It completely dissolves into my brain, like it never existed. Yet, on occasions such as this when I try to recall the experience of seeing you and thinking about you, the moment rematerializes and combines with the current moment.
At this moment, I wonder, will I ever speak to you? Will I ever learn the answers to the questions I have? Or will you always be a stranger?
Sophia
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Weekend Adventures
Last weekend, Mo and I decided to drive out to Nelson County (where the mountains are) and hit up an Apple Fest I went to as a kid. Let me describe an Apple Festival.
Apples, local honey, apple butter, apple pies, funnel cake, candy apples, a pumpkin patch, a corn maze, local artisans, and kittens! The kittens were absolutely adorable. Here are some pumpkins from the pumpkin patch. I know they don't look it, but they're huge. 
After finishing with the Apple Festival, Mo and I hiked up a mountain! It was a 1.7 mile hike, and we both made it to the top and back down in a few hours. It was a beautiful trail with a serious of cascades all along the trail. The leaves have been falling, and it was like walking on colors.
After finishing with the Apple Festival, Mo and I hiked up a mountain! It was a 1.7 mile hike, and we both made it to the top and back down in a few hours. It was a beautiful trail with a serious of cascades all along the trail. The leaves have been falling, and it was like walking on colors.
Day 5: Letter to My Dreams
Yes, I realize it's been a while since I posted. So my 30 days of letters may take a lot longer than that... I will do every single letter eventually, and in order. That being said...
Dear Sophia's Dreamworld,
I've been playing a lot of hidden object games recently. The more I move about in these moody, cyberspace dreamscapes, the more I realize that you are a lot like them. You're dark, you're moody, you're insane, you make no temporal sense. To be honest, if I spent too much time thinking about the things that happen when I'm with you, then I'm certain I would begin to perceive Time as cyclical instead of linear (which, incidentally, works for the Zuni and other Puebloan groups). I have some questions for you:
1. Why do my sex dreams so rarely consist of fucking, but instead have some strange exchange that is somehow symbolic of sex?
2. Are you a reflection of my reality or a representation of my subconcious?
3. Does my Yiayia enter into my dreams, the way I suspect she does?
4. When I have joint dreams with Mo, how the hell does that work, exactly? How is it possible that the two of us could have the same dream at the same time?
Now that I've asked those questions, I'd like to thank you for being so colorful and vibrant. I'd also like to thank you for providing me with night-time entertainment.
Sophia
Dear Sophia's Dreamworld,
I've been playing a lot of hidden object games recently. The more I move about in these moody, cyberspace dreamscapes, the more I realize that you are a lot like them. You're dark, you're moody, you're insane, you make no temporal sense. To be honest, if I spent too much time thinking about the things that happen when I'm with you, then I'm certain I would begin to perceive Time as cyclical instead of linear (which, incidentally, works for the Zuni and other Puebloan groups). I have some questions for you:
1. Why do my sex dreams so rarely consist of fucking, but instead have some strange exchange that is somehow symbolic of sex?
2. Are you a reflection of my reality or a representation of my subconcious?
3. Does my Yiayia enter into my dreams, the way I suspect she does?
4. When I have joint dreams with Mo, how the hell does that work, exactly? How is it possible that the two of us could have the same dream at the same time?
Now that I've asked those questions, I'd like to thank you for being so colorful and vibrant. I'd also like to thank you for providing me with night-time entertainment.
Sophia
Monday, October 11, 2010
Day 4: Letter to a sibling
Dear Nicki,
It's sad that we have nothing to talk about. I really wish we did. You don't call me, and you don't answer my calls, so I've given up. Whenever you do talk to me, you make small talk with me, make fun of me, or put me down, especially when you're with your best friend. Do you remember the few times you've met Mo? She's three years older than you are, yet you still act as though she is not as wise or mature as you. To yourself, you are God, timeless, ageless, wise...and I am a peon, everybody is. Does your hurtful and egotistical behavior stem from your apparent need to be needed? Does it bother you that I am self-sufficient and strong? I've ceased being taken aback by just how insufferable you are, though I still find it confusing. How can you be so cold, hard, masculine, uncaring, unnurturing, close-minded, bitchy, unfeeling? Are you afraid of sensation, emotion? I'll close this letter with a segment from an Alannis Morissette song. It sums you up.
"When I'd speak of artistry you would roll your eyes skyward.
When I'd speak of spirituality you would label it absurd.
When I spoke of possibility you would frown and shake your head.
If I had stayed much longer I'd have surely imploded."
Without regret,
Sophia
It's sad that we have nothing to talk about. I really wish we did. You don't call me, and you don't answer my calls, so I've given up. Whenever you do talk to me, you make small talk with me, make fun of me, or put me down, especially when you're with your best friend. Do you remember the few times you've met Mo? She's three years older than you are, yet you still act as though she is not as wise or mature as you. To yourself, you are God, timeless, ageless, wise...and I am a peon, everybody is. Does your hurtful and egotistical behavior stem from your apparent need to be needed? Does it bother you that I am self-sufficient and strong? I've ceased being taken aback by just how insufferable you are, though I still find it confusing. How can you be so cold, hard, masculine, uncaring, unnurturing, close-minded, bitchy, unfeeling? Are you afraid of sensation, emotion? I'll close this letter with a segment from an Alannis Morissette song. It sums you up.
"When I'd speak of artistry you would roll your eyes skyward.
When I'd speak of spirituality you would label it absurd.
When I spoke of possibility you would frown and shake your head.
If I had stayed much longer I'd have surely imploded."
Without regret,
Sophia
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Day 3: Letter to my Parents
Dear Mom and Dad,
I know you raised me the best way you thought possible, but I stand here as living proof that you did multiple things wrong. I still love you, but I'm also still working on forgiving you for the ways you fucked me up.
Panic disorder, the inability to take care of my body, the constant feeling that I am not ever going to be good enough... these things I attribute to my upbringing, to you. It seems that your concern for my Judaeo-Christian salvation corrupted your ability to create a fully-functioning adult. I am not certain that I've learned anything from you. The truth is, I've had to relearn everything since I stopped living with you. I've had to learn how to treat individuals respectfully within my interpersonal relationships. I've had to relearn how to speak to people when I'm upset with them. I've had to reshape my standards regarding men, which men to fear and which to trust. I've had to learn what situations are dangerous when dating, and which are safe. I've had to learn about filing taxes, maintaining budgets, my schedule, my car all on my own, or with the help of older adults who were not responsible for teaching me these things. You should thank your lucky stars that I went to a University with a high non-trad population, or I may not have been able to make these vital, life-altering friendship with people who could mentor me about the world. You did not keep my innocence in tact. You just made me street stupid, causing me to lose my innocence in a violent way. There is also a good deal of innocence I never had because of the way you abused me.
I hope, one day, I can forgive you for all of this, and just see you as the people who conceived me and took care of my physical needs for the first 20 years of my life.
Sophia
I know you raised me the best way you thought possible, but I stand here as living proof that you did multiple things wrong. I still love you, but I'm also still working on forgiving you for the ways you fucked me up.
Panic disorder, the inability to take care of my body, the constant feeling that I am not ever going to be good enough... these things I attribute to my upbringing, to you. It seems that your concern for my Judaeo-Christian salvation corrupted your ability to create a fully-functioning adult. I am not certain that I've learned anything from you. The truth is, I've had to relearn everything since I stopped living with you. I've had to learn how to treat individuals respectfully within my interpersonal relationships. I've had to relearn how to speak to people when I'm upset with them. I've had to reshape my standards regarding men, which men to fear and which to trust. I've had to learn what situations are dangerous when dating, and which are safe. I've had to learn about filing taxes, maintaining budgets, my schedule, my car all on my own, or with the help of older adults who were not responsible for teaching me these things. You should thank your lucky stars that I went to a University with a high non-trad population, or I may not have been able to make these vital, life-altering friendship with people who could mentor me about the world. You did not keep my innocence in tact. You just made me street stupid, causing me to lose my innocence in a violent way. There is also a good deal of innocence I never had because of the way you abused me.
I hope, one day, I can forgive you for all of this, and just see you as the people who conceived me and took care of my physical needs for the first 20 years of my life.
Sophia
My boss rocks
Yesterday I picked up my boss from a car service place so he could be at work while his car got inspected. I also took him back to the place to pick up his car. On the way back, he told me about the Richmond Folk Festival, which is a large, free gathering of Richmonders, folk musicians of all nationalities, food vendors, and so on. The event looks unbelievably fun. Here's a link:
http://www.richmondfolkfestival.org/
This morning when I got into work, I found that he'd grabbed an article on the festival out of the paper and left it for me on my desk. What a thoughtful man! That's not all that makes him awesome, either.
http://www.richmondfolkfestival.org/
This morning when I got into work, I found that he'd grabbed an article on the festival out of the paper and left it for me on my desk. What a thoughtful man! That's not all that makes him awesome, either.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day 2: Letter to My Crush
(Note: I'm just going to write the person who apparently has a thing for me, because I don't have a crush on anybody right now.)
Dear Kinky Man,
I realize that I'm sending you mixed signals. I am not ashamed to admit that I am doing it on purpose. I'm desperately trying to feel remorse about it, but the fact is that I just don't. I realize that you are a human being as well, but you're taking me too deep too fast. The only way for me to survive is to be willfully deceptive.
I find it absolutely hilarious that you tried to have cybersex with Mo and me last night. Believe me, when you said you wanted to have a conference IM session, I did not know that you had cybersex in mind. I haven't been into that since I was a teenager. Mo and I spent the entire time giggling and talking in hypotheticals, not getting hot and bothered. And you thought we were fucking each other. We didn't quite lie to you about what we were doing; we just used a few turns of phrase that we knew you would interpret sexually. And while your statements regarding what you were going to do to me were slightly arousing, they were more intriguing than anything, sparking conversation with Mo about boundaries, desires, panic attacks, and ourselves. The conversation we had with you inspired intimacy, just not the kind you intended. And in the morning-after aftermath of the whole thing, I just feel confused and a little disgusted.
Bottom line is, I don't know that I want you just yet, or if I ever want you. If you'd read the "About Me" section on my profile in fetlife, you would know that. You are not in any way excluded from the statements I made, because, as of yet, you are not anything special to me. At your age, you should know that, and I'm relying on this assumption so that I don't hurt you inadvertantly.
I understand that women are a precious commodity in the C'Ville community, and that is why I have yet to decide whether your behavior is predatory or just desperate. I hope that when I see you on Sunday you are respectful and don't dare to try anything.
Sophia
Dear Kinky Man,
I realize that I'm sending you mixed signals. I am not ashamed to admit that I am doing it on purpose. I'm desperately trying to feel remorse about it, but the fact is that I just don't. I realize that you are a human being as well, but you're taking me too deep too fast. The only way for me to survive is to be willfully deceptive.
I find it absolutely hilarious that you tried to have cybersex with Mo and me last night. Believe me, when you said you wanted to have a conference IM session, I did not know that you had cybersex in mind. I haven't been into that since I was a teenager. Mo and I spent the entire time giggling and talking in hypotheticals, not getting hot and bothered. And you thought we were fucking each other. We didn't quite lie to you about what we were doing; we just used a few turns of phrase that we knew you would interpret sexually. And while your statements regarding what you were going to do to me were slightly arousing, they were more intriguing than anything, sparking conversation with Mo about boundaries, desires, panic attacks, and ourselves. The conversation we had with you inspired intimacy, just not the kind you intended. And in the morning-after aftermath of the whole thing, I just feel confused and a little disgusted.
Bottom line is, I don't know that I want you just yet, or if I ever want you. If you'd read the "About Me" section on my profile in fetlife, you would know that. You are not in any way excluded from the statements I made, because, as of yet, you are not anything special to me. At your age, you should know that, and I'm relying on this assumption so that I don't hurt you inadvertantly.
I understand that women are a precious commodity in the C'Ville community, and that is why I have yet to decide whether your behavior is predatory or just desperate. I hope that when I see you on Sunday you are respectful and don't dare to try anything.
Sophia
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Submission
So, just because I'm doing the letter writing thing doesn't mean I can't make regular posts, right? Right.
This past Sunday, Mo and I attended a meetup with a (somewhat) local BDSM community group. It was just some friends getting together and eating, more 0r less, nothing too terribly kinky. The group meets in a town about an hour away from where we live, which is not too bad, really. There is a group that is more local, but I don't really get a good feeling about them. The group that I'm thinking of joining places a great amount of focus on education, which is one of the most important things to me.
One of the guys at the meetup told me about a website called FetLife, which is like OkCupid and Facebook combined, only kinky. I joined the site, made a profile (without a photo of me, of course), and some of the people I met are already sending me messages, which is nice. It makes me feel welcome.
Something that I am enjoying, but that I'm a little wary of, is that a man in the group apparently REALLY wants to do things to me. The idea of it is indubitably titillating, but I don't want to rush into anything. I have to protect myself, or I could lose myself. But I SO enjoy flirting with the guy. I just hope I can keep it at flirting for a LONG while, until I am 100% comfortable being tied up, etc. He's also older than my father, and insinuated that he would be willing to pay for my gas to attend meetings. Something to think about....
This past Sunday, Mo and I attended a meetup with a (somewhat) local BDSM community group. It was just some friends getting together and eating, more 0r less, nothing too terribly kinky. The group meets in a town about an hour away from where we live, which is not too bad, really. There is a group that is more local, but I don't really get a good feeling about them. The group that I'm thinking of joining places a great amount of focus on education, which is one of the most important things to me.
One of the guys at the meetup told me about a website called FetLife, which is like OkCupid and Facebook combined, only kinky. I joined the site, made a profile (without a photo of me, of course), and some of the people I met are already sending me messages, which is nice. It makes me feel welcome.
Something that I am enjoying, but that I'm a little wary of, is that a man in the group apparently REALLY wants to do things to me. The idea of it is indubitably titillating, but I don't want to rush into anything. I have to protect myself, or I could lose myself. But I SO enjoy flirting with the guy. I just hope I can keep it at flirting for a LONG while, until I am 100% comfortable being tied up, etc. He's also older than my father, and insinuated that he would be willing to pay for my gas to attend meetings. Something to think about....
Day 1: Letter to my best friend
Dear Mo,
Thank you so much for being in my life. I know that you are so much more than my best friend; you are my best friend, magnified. It really means a lot to me that you will take care of me so often, help me make decisions and back me up.
You make me smile every day, even when I'm cranky and pissy and want to kick you. You are so brilliant that I can't even fathom the depth of your brain.
I wish, sometimes, that there was a way for me to tell you that other people think you are just as amazing as I think you are, that they love to be around you. One day, I hope you'll see that others think you rock their socks off, and I hope you'll feel a deep and satisfying sense of belonging.
You are my home, and I love you tremendously.
Sophia
Thank you so much for being in my life. I know that you are so much more than my best friend; you are my best friend, magnified. It really means a lot to me that you will take care of me so often, help me make decisions and back me up.
You make me smile every day, even when I'm cranky and pissy and want to kick you. You are so brilliant that I can't even fathom the depth of your brain.
I wish, sometimes, that there was a way for me to tell you that other people think you are just as amazing as I think you are, that they love to be around you. One day, I hope you'll see that others think you rock their socks off, and I hope you'll feel a deep and satisfying sense of belonging.
You are my home, and I love you tremendously.
Sophia
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