Last night I dreamt that I was outside in the winter. It was snowing, but the flakes barely fell through the tree branches. I walked slowly, drugged, barely able to see. I looked up at the trees and saw that they were silver-gray with moonlight and winter, coated with the soft snow. I could barely see anything else, and I felt as though I were in another world. Quite suddenly, I became blind, groping at the sloping ground as I tried to make it out of the storm. It was an insane dream. The whole time I felt as though I was experiencing a memory and not an abstract dream. Bizzarre.

I just wanted to write for two minutes.

Fortnight

I think it's been about two weeks since I last posted. I've been hectically busy. I went from having all the time in the world (and being morbidly depressed) to suddenly working full time (and being happy, but pressed for time). But I'm not going to lie; my student loans are stressing me the fuck out. It's a huge adjustment and will continue to be. I'm still working on fitting in my job, the gym, my social life, my writing, my pleasure reading, my relationship, and all the grad school prep work. I'm thinking that something is going to have to take a hit. I'm not an X-man and I ain't got no time-turner. (Just had to include a little HP humor there)

What is shocking to me is that I am so unbelievably tired all the time right now. I thought that after the 2 hours of sleep a night I got my last month of undergrad I would be able to handle ANYTHING. But not so, apparently. Is this a normal part of adjusting to the 40 hour work week? I'm just going to have to find a way of arranging all of my extracurriculars in a way that works. Sure, it might be like cracking a combo lock on a safe, but I think I'm up for the task. Sometimes I wonder if I want to live my life like a single person and still have the support and comfort of Mo's love. Have my cake and eat it too. But really, who doesn't want to have their cake and eat it. And then I wonder what will happen if the grad school dream comes to fruition. Will I be able to galavant in Russia studying religious change and preserve my relationship?

It's an endless parade of Will I's and Should I's.

On the self-discovery front: The Richmond BDSM community is very nice, at least the group I am doing schtuff with. Haven't met the others yet. There's this boy in it that makes me feel like a teenager. Not so sure I like the feeling much. Plus he reminds me a bit of my ex-douchbag. Not so into that, either. The ex-douchbag didn't really wash.

I attend meetings, etc. under my alias/pseudonym. Sometimes I forget, and other times it's easy to sink into Sophia. The result is that I feel as though a different person attends the meetings than who goes to work everyday and loves to read and cook. And I wouldn't mind it, but most of the time I feel uncomfortable, as if I'm still getting to know myself as Sophia in addition to all the new names and faces. And while I'm eager to start playing, I'm also terrified. And I think it will be incredibly difficult to overcome the terror until I get more comfortable with myself as Sophia, or tell everybody I'm using a different name. Not sure which prospect I like less.

I'm also greatly afraid of letting anybody know about my truest and deepest identity: the Anthropologist. I am not systematically researching this group. It's not where my interests lie. Nonetheless, I find myself disecting things I learn at the BDSM group in the same abstract fashion I cultivated for the purpose of impromptu discussion in class. It is my nature, and I can't help it. But I'm worried that if people know that I study people, they'll feel as if I've come to study them. It is possibly an irrational fear.

That's my little soliloquy for the evening. I hope that I'll be able to turn inward more often as things level out, think about what's going on in my head some more.