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Monday, November 22, 2010

Musical Mondays

Stranger Than Kindness
Original by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Cover by Fever Ray





Stranger than kindness
Bottled light from hotels
Spilling everything
Wet hand from the volcano
Sobers your skin
Stranger than Kindness

You caress yourself
And grind my soft cold bones below
Your map of desire
Burned in your flesh
Even a fool can come
A strange lit stair
And find a rope hanging there
Stranger than kindness

Keys rain like heaven's hair
There is no home there is no bread
We sit at the gate and scratch

The gaunt fruit of passion
Dies in the light
Stranger than kindness

Your sleeping hands journey
The loiter
Stranger than kindness
You hold me so carelessy close
Tell me I'm dirty
Stranger than kindness

I am a stranger
I am a stranger

To kindness

I didn't choose this song because it has any particular relevance in my current life. I chose it because certain phrases are strangely reminiscent of moments that have stuck with me for some inexplicable reason, moments I've been thinking about recently. The lyrics also remind me of the kind of emotional disturbance I have experienced that is at once agonizing and brilliantly beautiful. Plus, the music video is absolutely gorgeous!

List of Things Sophia Should Not Do At Work

Accompanied by ways to improve the situation:

1. What I should not do:
Even if the person on the other end is joking about everybody in my office being asleep, I should not joke back, especially not saying that boss is not yet in, so maybe he IS still asleep. Chances are that it isn't the person I think it is on the other end. Luckily, even though it wasn't the geologist like I thought, the members of the company have a joking relationship with the person it actually was, so my little faux pas won't make my boss look bad. *whew* But just in case...

What I should do next time:
Just don't do it. If my boss is not there yet, I should just say that I don't know where he is, but he should be in anytime. Or maybe ask the accountant where is prior to receiving phone calls. Today he was at a funeral. I'm trying not to beat myself up about this.

2. What I should not do:
One word--Facebook. I'm really bad with this. When I have nothing to do at work, I get on Facebook.

What I should do next time:
I should just read a book, or bring an article from home. It looks better, despite the fact that it's relatively the same thing--not working at work.

3. What I should not do:
Texting. I'm bad with this, too, when things are slow. Even though the accountant makes personal phone calls at work, I still feel like the secretary should not be doing personal communication. Usually it's only for important things with Mo, but still...

What I should do next time:
Bring my phone with me to the bathroom and text while on the toilet. Multi-tasking, baby.

4. What I should not do:
Blogging. I'm doing it right now. At work. I'm justifying it because this blog is an analysis of my behavior at work.

What I should do next time:
Same as #3.

5. What I should not do:
IM people from the BDSM community when I have a Yahoo email window open. You know how it has a chat built into the window like GMail? Yeah.

What I should do next time:
Just resist the urge to talk to the guy. He usually just provokes me with some idiotic comment anyway. Resist the urge to prove his idiocy to him. He's not smart enough to notice that's what I'm doing anyway.


What I should always do is....

Just stay off the internet. Period. Then again, maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Don't a lot of people dick around on the computer while working desk jobs?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Sophia has a bit of a social problem

Ok. I'm coming out with it. I have a problem. What is this problem?

Over-answering.

Whenever somebody asks me a question and a simple, polite response would be perfectly adequate, dare I say completely appropriate, I go on and on, eventually providing them with WAY too much information. In run-on sentences. Par example:

The way things ought to go...
Dance Teacher: There's a bandage on your foot. What happened? Everything ok?

Normal Person: I stepped on something in the shower, but it's mostly healed, so I can dance.

The way things go in Sophia's Universe...
Dance Teacher: Sophia, you've got a bandage on your foot. What happened? Everything ok?

Sophia: Oh yeah, it's fine. The drain in my shower sometimes gets out of place, and there are prongs on the underside. I kind of stepped on one of the prongs and cut my foot. It bled a lot, but it's healed pretty quickly because the prong went in at an angle, so the cut wasn't that deep. I'll be fine to dance. It shouldn't bleed through the bandage or anything.

Gods of Embarassment and Social Chaos: 10
Sophia: -3,458

Socially awkward Sophia strikes again!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Musical Mondays - Bitch

This song is a comfort to me when I'm feeling particularly... womanish. Yes.

Bitch by Meredith Brooks



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M60cl7bKCMw

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

[Chorus:]
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

[Chorus]

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

[Chorus]

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

Friday, November 12, 2010

Poem/Ritual Chant/Prayer

This is a poem I wrote this evening. The first four lines, however, are not mine. They were written by George John Whyte-Melville. A facebook friend of mine who's a photographer included them on his deviant art page with a very beautiful photograph, and that got me thinking. In light of the recent passing of my Grandpa, I decided to write a Samhain chant.
Photo found here: http://3feathers.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d32dmbr. Be warned, it has mammaries.
Autumn Chant


Falling leaf and fading tree,
Lines of white in a sullen sea,
Shadows rising on you and me;
Shadows rising on you and me;
Mosaics of color on frosted earth lay,
Dancing through air of the chilly day.
The sun of the summer can no longer stay,
Time for the flutes of Autumn to play.

Autumn wind, cold and free,
Entwined in the arms of the sleeping tree,
Make me the person I long to be;
Show me the people I long to see;
Out in the chilly night I spy,
The faces that leave, the loved ones that die.
Yet for us there is no need to cry.
This is their night, though we’ve bid them goodbye.


Hush! A call from worlds away,
Softly leads us to the winter gray.
“Listen!” it whispers. “Hear what I say!”
Love grows in the earth, slow though it may.
So take the halves of the house of red,
And in the black ground make them a bed.
As the Mother’s life is into them fed,
Through this New Year may we all be led.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Strange Attraction

Ok... so I am very ashamed to admit this.



I still webstalk Ellie. She fascinates me. I read her twitter posts, look at her profile on this fetish facebook site. Today I actually found a blog she wrote years ago, when she and Mo were together. (She was definitely not evil. She was more like a confused little girl, as I have been, as many of us have been. Not that it excuses poor behavior, just makes the reasoning behind it clearer.)

It's not like I have a mad desire. It's not like I NEED to do it, or get upset when I can't find information on her. It's just that it's so damn easy for me, and I'm curious, so why not do it? The only problem now is that I want to talk to her. I wanted to suggest blue liquid latex for her halloween costume when she was having issues with it. I want to say Hi, exchange snippets of conversation. She's like one of the many people I have lost touch with and read posts for and about just to keep up with their lives. At least my emotional involvement with it is the same in both situations. Except she's not one of those old friends.

I feel like the creepiest fucking stalker.

I have no idea why I want to talk with her now, except that I just feel like it. Is it natural to feel as though you are friends with somebody when you've been keeping internet tabs on them for months? Or am I just attracted to chaos?

I haven't talked to her because of the can of worms it could open. I'm terribly frightened (or cautious) of the consequences.

Sophia, the creepy web stalker with too much time on her hands.

I'm a very bitter person.

I realize that I complain quite a bit. But to be honest, there really isn't much that's good in my life. There's a lot that's not bad, but nothing much that's actually good.

Mo and I are having problems. It's very unfortunate. We're two years into our relationship, and we already know that we need couple's therapy. But the sad fact is that we can't afford couple's therapy right now.

I don't know if any of you who (maybe) read this have been in a relationship after having been cheated on, but what Mo and I are going through is that awkward tension after a major trust has been betrayed, kind of like what some couples go through after infidelity. Think Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson's marriage in Love Actually after he's slept with his secretary. Neither of us cheated, though. It was something else. Basically, I've realized that while I still love Mo, the love is buried deep under this thick, numb shield, despite the fact that I've forgiven her. I thought that having more sex would help, or that it would help if Mo showed more of a desire to have sex. But I don't think that's what will make things better. I'm just going to have to peel off the shield myself, layer by layer.

On top of all this, my Grandpa died Saturday, and the funeral stuff starts this evening. I know it's silly of me, but I'm more worried about seeing my dad's side of the family than I am sad about the loss. He was old, I was not close to him, and he went out the best way possible: in his sleep. My dad's family, however, is the Aryan Race, and my aunts are stepford wives. They also hate my little lesbian guts.

I also realized that if my work circumstances don't improve by the New Year, I'm going to be making trips to the food bank. Hopefully, the student loan companies will allow me to defer my loans again. I just won't be able to make the payments. Welcome to America, folks. Where we face economic consequences when we peacefully protest, consequences that are no less binding than the illegality of free speech. Home of the oppressed, the uninsured, the unemployed, and the poor, educated people who don't qualify for governmental aid despite the fact that they live at the 37th% poverty guideline. Where the fuck is my government kickback? Where are my civil rights? Where is my girlfriend's free medical insurance? Where is that job that I'm supposed to have because of my intelligence, my hard work, and my diligence?

This country is a sham. They ought to tear down the Statue of Liberty, because now, her presence in New York is just plain silly. None of us has any liberty. We're all in a torture frame created by jobs and capitalism.

Monday, November 1, 2010

NaNoWriMo

So, I'm considering doing Nation Novel Writing Month for the first time. At other times in my life, I've been too busy. Now it seems that I need a way to keep busy. (Other than all that working out I'm doing)

I need opinions on ideas. I'm just not sure which novel I want to write, so any suggestions would be great. I have many ideas, but there are three that are prominent.

Idea #1
This idea explores the relationship between the captive and the captor, with some Stockholm Syndrome thrown into the mix. The only characters (thusfar) are two women: Lara, the captive; and Beatrice, the captor. As the novel/story unfolds, it depicts the deteriorating sanity of both women, and the ways their feelings toward one another are twisted. It will feature graphic SM-like torture scenes. I've considered adding a deaf maid to the story, so that some sort of outside "control" perspective will be present.

Idea #2
Epic fantasy piece. Marianthe Crevan, a brilliant student and fire sorceress wrongly accused of a crime, finds a surprising way out of her existence in the orphanage and reformatory of her native, icy land of Hevrildor. Upon the recommendation of one of her former professors, an ambassador to the warm, southern country of Aarollan, she is accepted to Harvington University, Aarollan's chief institution of higher education. She sets off to begin a new life, but the very man assigned to mentor her, the bitter and cynical Danatius Blair, seems to have no faith in her innocence or her abilities. His lack of support is made more apparent when, upon Marianthe's arrival in Aarollan's capital, a murder attempt makes it clear that her trouble may have followed her from Hevrildor. All the while, discord brews in the north eastern land of Vald'anger -- the restoration of an evil dictator, believed to have been long dead, to the seat of power. The threat of war encroaches upon the borders of Aarollan. Soon, Marianthe is tangled up in a plot that could destroy her life, the life of Dr. Blair, and perhaps even the stability of the world itself. With the help of several friends and allies -- Ulric Stanislaw, the air sorcerer and warrior; Professor Marciu, the ambassador and a powerful Zoemancer (opposite of necromancer. Lays improperly resurrected dead to rest and restores the worthy dead to full life); Helen Malek, a Seer and White Witch who walks constantly between death and life; and others -- Marianthe must find a way to preserve the balance between the Realms of Life, Death, Spirits, and Demons and save the lives of those she has come to love.

Possible first in a trilogy/series. This one involves intensive world building, cultural groups, and the establishment of a metaphysical religion and order to the universe. There are also some pretty detailed back stories to most of the characters, revelations of strange blood relations, and prophecies. I'm thinking it's going to be a brick of a book one day, if I can ever find the dedication. I don't know if a month is enough time, but it would be enough time to get this ball rolling.

Idea #3
Lucy lives a calm existence as a teacher in a boarding school, the same school in which she spent the majority of her youth. But memories from an event of her teenage years continue to plague her long into adulthood, memories of a pack of she-wolves that lived in the forest and of the Wolf Woman who was their leader. Sappho-erotic. Metaphor for something that was an important part of the formation of my identity.

As I write this blog, I'm getting a niggling feeling about which one I want to write, and I think I may know. Nonetheless, I would REALLY appreciate suggestions. Thank you!