So, my psychological life has been a little topsy-turvy lately. I'm making some important discoveries about myself with the help of a therapist. She's been really great at asking the right questions (even if she treats nonmonogamy like it's a sign of mental illness/dissatisfaction with life/cheating). Here are some interesting things I have learned about me:
1. I spent my entire childhood and a portion of my adult life being loved conditionally (except by my cat, Mister Pumpkins, who died when I was 12. He loved me no matter what.). Up until recently, I have never known unconditional love from a human being.
2. I don't even love myself unconditionally. I hate myself unconditionally.
3. I have spent much of my adult life seeking unconditional love while simultaneously not believing in its existence.
4. Mo loves me unconditionally.
5. I have spent the better part of a year, possibly longer, unconciously testing Mo's unconditional love, waiting for confirmation that I was wrong about it, affirmation of my belief that I am so hateful I do not deserve love.
6. When I realized that Mo's love was not going to go away, I began to push her away. Unconditional love is so unknown, it's scary. And Mo's unconditional love is making it impossible not to feel the hurt of not being loved as a child, not being loved unconditionally by my family.
7. The pain is so great that it is engulfing, seems to be the thing that makes me. This is the part that I hate unconditionally. And deep down, I believe I am nothing if I don't have my pain.
8. The pain was easy to box up and carry with me, safely contained, before I knew unconditional love. Now, I can't contain it when I'm with Mo alone.
9.The pain unleashed is pure destruction.
10. I have to let this pain go and find who I am without it, or I risk losing Mo. I can't box it up anymore. I have to face it.
11. I don't know how to face it. Yet. But this bitch is going down. I've had enough of its destructive power. So....
Dear All-Encompassing Pain Demon,
You are no longer welcome in my temple. And if I cannot expel you, then I will slice pieces of you away and slowly feed you to the Earth. This is my life now, and I will know myself without you.
With all fierceness,
Sophia the Healer
Man it's hard to heal a wound you've been carrying with you... Yes, the wound closes-but it's the scars that seem permanent. I wish I knew how to help you heal that scar... I'm at a loss for advice on this one, but I am incredibly proud of you for the progress you've made and your resolve. You are beautiful and amazing.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong and you can get rid of the pain you feel. I believe in you.
ReplyDelete