Thinking. It's dangerous. When you think, you realize that you have more potential for moral ambiguity than you realized, or worse, you have less than you want. *sigh*
So... back to the issue of Ellie McLonglip, the ex. I came to the realization that I wanted to meet her to somehow have proof that we're different. I still want to meet her, but this is no longer the reason. The things that I've heard about her and the things that I've seen are proof enough.
Now I want to meet her so that I can find something good about her. Everybody has something that's good about them, right? And part of me wants to befriend her, too, so I can find the good thing and make it come out. I honestly believe that everybody is a good person.
So here I was, at 5 a.m., just out of the shower and in bed with Mo. I knew I should have been snoring by that time, but instead, I was thinking. My thoughts went something like this: I know that she could not have been as close to one of the anthropology faculty members as she was if she hadn't been a good person... right? He told me that the BDSM community destroyed her. That must have meant that there was something good there to begin with... right?
And as irrational as it was, I realized that I wanted to meet her so I could find that former self somewhere underneath the selfish, sociopathic bitchery.
"You want to save her," Mo said to me. That wasn't exactly the way I'd put it.
Or was it?
When Mo made that statement, I was reminded of my feelings for my personal mindfuck ex, Gia. I remembered my concern for her well-being, a concern that has unfortunately persisted for nearly four years after the fact. I will always know that she's not ok, no matter what she says to me, and that she's in New York, and I can't help her.
And even though I know that I couldn't help her even if I were there, that she can only help herself, and even though I know that "good Ellie" might not have ever existed anyway, that I can't save people, it doesn't change the fact that everything in my nature begets a desire, almost a need, to do it, to save people. (Get a look a that sentence structure! My mastery of the English language astounds me, really. OK, it's a run-on, but I couldn't think of any better way to say it.)
Why do we humans have such a penchant for futility? We do things, or consider doing things, that logic tells us will not work, and then we get hurt in the process. Sometimes our irrational desires overcome our survival instincts. Is this what it means to be human? Is this truly what sets us apart from the "dumb creatures" of the Earth, our stupidity and bad survival instincts?
She definitely has good qualities. She has a beautiful soul and a good heart under all of that act she puts on for the world. She did not have an easy time of it as a child, and I believe more than anything that her parents shaped her to be the person that she is today. A person who really has the uncontrollable need to be loved and respected, because it wasn't necessarily something she got much at home.
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, I may disagree with some of the aspects of her life and the way she has treated people, but I love her. I always will. She was very much a part of me for a few years, very much my best friend and sister. The fact that we've grown apart, or outgrown each other, just proves growth on one side or the other.
I'm pretty sure you see me as a good person, so you have to know that if she was so much a part of me for so long, that there has to be good there. Same with Mo. If she hadn't had some good, Mo wouldn't have been with her for as long as she was.
Everyone is in our lives to teach us something, Mo learned some very valuable lessons from Ellie in order to be a better partner for you now.
Love is a much better emotion than judgement, even if it's encouraged by need to help people; or your savior complex, if you will.
I understand savior complexes much to well... If you look in the sidebar of my blog, I wrote a pretty good blog about the need to save people back when I was in love with my roommie. He even commented on it, because he has that same complex.
<3 It was good to visit with you two again!
A long response awaits. Be warned. ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou said, "Everyone is in our lives to teach us something, Mo learned some very valuable lessons from Ellie in order to be a better partner for you now."
That's actually part of Mo's conclusions about Ellie and their relationship. Something about how the relationship drove Mo to find out things about herself that she needed to know. I should understand it. I have similar sentiments about Gia.
YOu also describe Ellie as "A person who really has the uncontrollable need to be loved and respected, because it wasn't necessarily something she got much at home."
That is something I can definitely understand. For a lot of my earlier young adulthood, I had a need to be desired, wanted, by men. It had something to do with the fact that I often felt unloved and unwanted by my father. How that translated into a need to feel "fuckable" in adulthood is beyond me (haven't read enough Freud). I eventually grew out of it, but I think that one of the reasons I was able to do so as fast as I was is because, deep down, I don't really desire men sexually or romantically (except for every other Tuesday when a pig dancing on his hind legs while playing a banjo goes by Castle Dracula). I'd imagine that such emotional baggage would be harder to overcome if I were as attracted to men as, for instance, Ellie apparently is.
"Love is a much better emotion than judgement, even if it's encouraged by need to help people; or your savior complex, if you will."
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you were saying that I should accept my savior complex. Some might call doing so "unwise," but I wouldn't necessarily agree. I can tell you right now that wanting to find Ellie's good qualities and bring them back out feels a hell of a lot better than hating her. So does having my suspicion confirmed that the good in Ellie was prevalent at one time (I already knew she has some good qualities. Mo said as much while we were talking about this.)Of course, I'd prefer it if knowing her, both good and bad, didn't matter to me at all. But that is something I have to discover and work out on my own.
Thank you so much for your detailed, letter-like comments. It makes me feel nice that you care to write them. And it was VERY good to see you again and meet everybody (some for the second time). I really had fun!
No, I wasn't saying embrace your savior complex. Overcome it is what you need to do eventually. Not everyone can be saved, and certainly not everyone needs to be saved by you. (At least that's what I keep telling myself!)
ReplyDeleteMore what I was trying to say is embrace the love you feel, even if that love was brought to you via questionable means (i.e. your savior complex.)
:) I'm glad you came around. Come around more often!