Dear Nicki,
It's sad that we have nothing to talk about. I really wish we did. You don't call me, and you don't answer my calls, so I've given up. Whenever you do talk to me, you make small talk with me, make fun of me, or put me down, especially when you're with your best friend. Do you remember the few times you've met Mo? She's three years older than you are, yet you still act as though she is not as wise or mature as you. To yourself, you are God, timeless, ageless, wise...and I am a peon, everybody is. Does your hurtful and egotistical behavior stem from your apparent need to be needed? Does it bother you that I am self-sufficient and strong? I've ceased being taken aback by just how insufferable you are, though I still find it confusing. How can you be so cold, hard, masculine, uncaring, unnurturing, close-minded, bitchy, unfeeling? Are you afraid of sensation, emotion? I'll close this letter with a segment from an Alannis Morissette song. It sums you up.
"When I'd speak of artistry you would roll your eyes skyward.
When I'd speak of spirituality you would label it absurd.
When I spoke of possibility you would frown and shake your head.
If I had stayed much longer I'd have surely imploded."
Without regret,
Sophia
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Day 3: Letter to my Parents
Dear Mom and Dad,
I know you raised me the best way you thought possible, but I stand here as living proof that you did multiple things wrong. I still love you, but I'm also still working on forgiving you for the ways you fucked me up.
Panic disorder, the inability to take care of my body, the constant feeling that I am not ever going to be good enough... these things I attribute to my upbringing, to you. It seems that your concern for my Judaeo-Christian salvation corrupted your ability to create a fully-functioning adult. I am not certain that I've learned anything from you. The truth is, I've had to relearn everything since I stopped living with you. I've had to learn how to treat individuals respectfully within my interpersonal relationships. I've had to relearn how to speak to people when I'm upset with them. I've had to reshape my standards regarding men, which men to fear and which to trust. I've had to learn what situations are dangerous when dating, and which are safe. I've had to learn about filing taxes, maintaining budgets, my schedule, my car all on my own, or with the help of older adults who were not responsible for teaching me these things. You should thank your lucky stars that I went to a University with a high non-trad population, or I may not have been able to make these vital, life-altering friendship with people who could mentor me about the world. You did not keep my innocence in tact. You just made me street stupid, causing me to lose my innocence in a violent way. There is also a good deal of innocence I never had because of the way you abused me.
I hope, one day, I can forgive you for all of this, and just see you as the people who conceived me and took care of my physical needs for the first 20 years of my life.
Sophia
I know you raised me the best way you thought possible, but I stand here as living proof that you did multiple things wrong. I still love you, but I'm also still working on forgiving you for the ways you fucked me up.
Panic disorder, the inability to take care of my body, the constant feeling that I am not ever going to be good enough... these things I attribute to my upbringing, to you. It seems that your concern for my Judaeo-Christian salvation corrupted your ability to create a fully-functioning adult. I am not certain that I've learned anything from you. The truth is, I've had to relearn everything since I stopped living with you. I've had to learn how to treat individuals respectfully within my interpersonal relationships. I've had to relearn how to speak to people when I'm upset with them. I've had to reshape my standards regarding men, which men to fear and which to trust. I've had to learn what situations are dangerous when dating, and which are safe. I've had to learn about filing taxes, maintaining budgets, my schedule, my car all on my own, or with the help of older adults who were not responsible for teaching me these things. You should thank your lucky stars that I went to a University with a high non-trad population, or I may not have been able to make these vital, life-altering friendship with people who could mentor me about the world. You did not keep my innocence in tact. You just made me street stupid, causing me to lose my innocence in a violent way. There is also a good deal of innocence I never had because of the way you abused me.
I hope, one day, I can forgive you for all of this, and just see you as the people who conceived me and took care of my physical needs for the first 20 years of my life.
Sophia
My boss rocks
Yesterday I picked up my boss from a car service place so he could be at work while his car got inspected. I also took him back to the place to pick up his car. On the way back, he told me about the Richmond Folk Festival, which is a large, free gathering of Richmonders, folk musicians of all nationalities, food vendors, and so on. The event looks unbelievably fun. Here's a link:
http://www.richmondfolkfestival.org/
This morning when I got into work, I found that he'd grabbed an article on the festival out of the paper and left it for me on my desk. What a thoughtful man! That's not all that makes him awesome, either.
http://www.richmondfolkfestival.org/
This morning when I got into work, I found that he'd grabbed an article on the festival out of the paper and left it for me on my desk. What a thoughtful man! That's not all that makes him awesome, either.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Day 2: Letter to My Crush
(Note: I'm just going to write the person who apparently has a thing for me, because I don't have a crush on anybody right now.)
Dear Kinky Man,
I realize that I'm sending you mixed signals. I am not ashamed to admit that I am doing it on purpose. I'm desperately trying to feel remorse about it, but the fact is that I just don't. I realize that you are a human being as well, but you're taking me too deep too fast. The only way for me to survive is to be willfully deceptive.
I find it absolutely hilarious that you tried to have cybersex with Mo and me last night. Believe me, when you said you wanted to have a conference IM session, I did not know that you had cybersex in mind. I haven't been into that since I was a teenager. Mo and I spent the entire time giggling and talking in hypotheticals, not getting hot and bothered. And you thought we were fucking each other. We didn't quite lie to you about what we were doing; we just used a few turns of phrase that we knew you would interpret sexually. And while your statements regarding what you were going to do to me were slightly arousing, they were more intriguing than anything, sparking conversation with Mo about boundaries, desires, panic attacks, and ourselves. The conversation we had with you inspired intimacy, just not the kind you intended. And in the morning-after aftermath of the whole thing, I just feel confused and a little disgusted.
Bottom line is, I don't know that I want you just yet, or if I ever want you. If you'd read the "About Me" section on my profile in fetlife, you would know that. You are not in any way excluded from the statements I made, because, as of yet, you are not anything special to me. At your age, you should know that, and I'm relying on this assumption so that I don't hurt you inadvertantly.
I understand that women are a precious commodity in the C'Ville community, and that is why I have yet to decide whether your behavior is predatory or just desperate. I hope that when I see you on Sunday you are respectful and don't dare to try anything.
Sophia
Dear Kinky Man,
I realize that I'm sending you mixed signals. I am not ashamed to admit that I am doing it on purpose. I'm desperately trying to feel remorse about it, but the fact is that I just don't. I realize that you are a human being as well, but you're taking me too deep too fast. The only way for me to survive is to be willfully deceptive.
I find it absolutely hilarious that you tried to have cybersex with Mo and me last night. Believe me, when you said you wanted to have a conference IM session, I did not know that you had cybersex in mind. I haven't been into that since I was a teenager. Mo and I spent the entire time giggling and talking in hypotheticals, not getting hot and bothered. And you thought we were fucking each other. We didn't quite lie to you about what we were doing; we just used a few turns of phrase that we knew you would interpret sexually. And while your statements regarding what you were going to do to me were slightly arousing, they were more intriguing than anything, sparking conversation with Mo about boundaries, desires, panic attacks, and ourselves. The conversation we had with you inspired intimacy, just not the kind you intended. And in the morning-after aftermath of the whole thing, I just feel confused and a little disgusted.
Bottom line is, I don't know that I want you just yet, or if I ever want you. If you'd read the "About Me" section on my profile in fetlife, you would know that. You are not in any way excluded from the statements I made, because, as of yet, you are not anything special to me. At your age, you should know that, and I'm relying on this assumption so that I don't hurt you inadvertantly.
I understand that women are a precious commodity in the C'Ville community, and that is why I have yet to decide whether your behavior is predatory or just desperate. I hope that when I see you on Sunday you are respectful and don't dare to try anything.
Sophia
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Submission
So, just because I'm doing the letter writing thing doesn't mean I can't make regular posts, right? Right.
This past Sunday, Mo and I attended a meetup with a (somewhat) local BDSM community group. It was just some friends getting together and eating, more 0r less, nothing too terribly kinky. The group meets in a town about an hour away from where we live, which is not too bad, really. There is a group that is more local, but I don't really get a good feeling about them. The group that I'm thinking of joining places a great amount of focus on education, which is one of the most important things to me.
One of the guys at the meetup told me about a website called FetLife, which is like OkCupid and Facebook combined, only kinky. I joined the site, made a profile (without a photo of me, of course), and some of the people I met are already sending me messages, which is nice. It makes me feel welcome.
Something that I am enjoying, but that I'm a little wary of, is that a man in the group apparently REALLY wants to do things to me. The idea of it is indubitably titillating, but I don't want to rush into anything. I have to protect myself, or I could lose myself. But I SO enjoy flirting with the guy. I just hope I can keep it at flirting for a LONG while, until I am 100% comfortable being tied up, etc. He's also older than my father, and insinuated that he would be willing to pay for my gas to attend meetings. Something to think about....
This past Sunday, Mo and I attended a meetup with a (somewhat) local BDSM community group. It was just some friends getting together and eating, more 0r less, nothing too terribly kinky. The group meets in a town about an hour away from where we live, which is not too bad, really. There is a group that is more local, but I don't really get a good feeling about them. The group that I'm thinking of joining places a great amount of focus on education, which is one of the most important things to me.
One of the guys at the meetup told me about a website called FetLife, which is like OkCupid and Facebook combined, only kinky. I joined the site, made a profile (without a photo of me, of course), and some of the people I met are already sending me messages, which is nice. It makes me feel welcome.
Something that I am enjoying, but that I'm a little wary of, is that a man in the group apparently REALLY wants to do things to me. The idea of it is indubitably titillating, but I don't want to rush into anything. I have to protect myself, or I could lose myself. But I SO enjoy flirting with the guy. I just hope I can keep it at flirting for a LONG while, until I am 100% comfortable being tied up, etc. He's also older than my father, and insinuated that he would be willing to pay for my gas to attend meetings. Something to think about....
Day 1: Letter to my best friend
Dear Mo,
Thank you so much for being in my life. I know that you are so much more than my best friend; you are my best friend, magnified. It really means a lot to me that you will take care of me so often, help me make decisions and back me up.
You make me smile every day, even when I'm cranky and pissy and want to kick you. You are so brilliant that I can't even fathom the depth of your brain.
I wish, sometimes, that there was a way for me to tell you that other people think you are just as amazing as I think you are, that they love to be around you. One day, I hope you'll see that others think you rock their socks off, and I hope you'll feel a deep and satisfying sense of belonging.
You are my home, and I love you tremendously.
Sophia
Thank you so much for being in my life. I know that you are so much more than my best friend; you are my best friend, magnified. It really means a lot to me that you will take care of me so often, help me make decisions and back me up.
You make me smile every day, even when I'm cranky and pissy and want to kick you. You are so brilliant that I can't even fathom the depth of your brain.
I wish, sometimes, that there was a way for me to tell you that other people think you are just as amazing as I think you are, that they love to be around you. One day, I hope you'll see that others think you rock their socks off, and I hope you'll feel a deep and satisfying sense of belonging.
You are my home, and I love you tremendously.
Sophia
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Every time I try to blog...
...I find that I have nothing to say. My friend Angie at My So Called Chaos is doing this thing where she writes letters to people. It seems like a good idea, so I'm going to copycat. I may start later today, or tomorrow.
The Curriculum:
day 1 — your best friend
day 2 — your crush
day 3 — your parents
day 4 — your sibling (or closest relative)
day 5 — your dreams
day 6 — a stranger
day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
day 8 — your favorite internet friend
day 9 — someone you wish you could meet
day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you
day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from
day 15 — the person you miss the most
day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country
day 17 — someone from your childhood
day 18 — the person that you wish you could be
day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest
day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression
day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to
day 23 — the last person you kissed
day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory
day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times
day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to
day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 28 — someone that changed your life
day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
day 30 — your reflection in the mirror
The Curriculum:
day 1 — your best friend
day 2 — your crush
day 3 — your parents
day 4 — your sibling (or closest relative)
day 5 — your dreams
day 6 — a stranger
day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
day 8 — your favorite internet friend
day 9 — someone you wish you could meet
day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to
day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you
day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from
day 15 — the person you miss the most
day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country
day 17 — someone from your childhood
day 18 — the person that you wish you could be
day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest
day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression
day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to
day 23 — the last person you kissed
day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory
day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times
day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to
day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day
day 28 — someone that changed your life
day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
day 30 — your reflection in the mirror
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