I'm working out. I'm eating less. I'm drinking more water. I can climb a mountain and not get winded.
But I'm still gaining weight. I find new, pink stretch marks everyday.
I'm doing everything right, as far as I know. It's been a month now, and I'm 10 lbs. heavier than I was last month.
I don't understand what's wrong.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Day 8: Letter to my favorite internet friend
This friend is a person I know in real life, but only knows me online as my internet persona. She is an old friend who I am (possibly irrationally) afraid wouldn't add me to her cyberspace whatever if she knew it was actually me. Go figure. If she reads this, she may figure it out, but I doubt that she reads it.
Dear Annika,
I guess this doesn't count if I know you in real life, but you don't know you know me in real life, so I guess it does. I realize it's kind of stalker-ish to do this, and for that, I'm sorry. But I miss you, I think about you often, and I want to know how you're doing.
You were my best friend my freshman year. You helped me get through that hellish time of my life, and you helped me learn about myself. For that, I will forever be thankful. I still recall our shared geekiness and our late-night walks to 7-11, the graveyard, and the gazebo with fondness and nostalgia. I'm a different person now, as I am certain you are, and I can't help but wonder if the people we've become would be such good friends as our selves of 5 years ago were. As I grow older, I feel the strain that distance puts on friendships more acutely. I always knew it existed, but now it seems to matter more. Perhaps that's because it's difficult to maintain friendships as an adult, anyhow. I wish the physical distance between us were smaller, as well as the emotional distance.
Love,
Sophia
Dear Annika,
I guess this doesn't count if I know you in real life, but you don't know you know me in real life, so I guess it does. I realize it's kind of stalker-ish to do this, and for that, I'm sorry. But I miss you, I think about you often, and I want to know how you're doing.
You were my best friend my freshman year. You helped me get through that hellish time of my life, and you helped me learn about myself. For that, I will forever be thankful. I still recall our shared geekiness and our late-night walks to 7-11, the graveyard, and the gazebo with fondness and nostalgia. I'm a different person now, as I am certain you are, and I can't help but wonder if the people we've become would be such good friends as our selves of 5 years ago were. As I grow older, I feel the strain that distance puts on friendships more acutely. I always knew it existed, but now it seems to matter more. Perhaps that's because it's difficult to maintain friendships as an adult, anyhow. I wish the physical distance between us were smaller, as well as the emotional distance.
Love,
Sophia
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Day 7: Letter to my Ex-Girlfriend/Crush
Dear Allie,
I still want you from time to time. There were so many things that were wrong the first time. First of all, 22 and 18 is a HUGE age difference, but 27 and 23 isn't so much of one. At least you told me you were 22. According to your facebook, you were 21. It's strange that you would lie about something like that. Regardless, a senior in college is much different than a freshman. Also, I was a complete puppy dog for you. I wanted you so bad that I would have lost myself completely just to have you.
But frankly, the few times we fucked, it wasn't that great. The first time, you barely kissed me. I know now that I needed a lot of kisses to ease me into the whole losing my virginity thing, need a lot of kissing in general during sex. And the second time, you were so high on hydrocodine pills (that I ground up because you were going to snort sharp little pieces and probably tear your nostrils up), that you wouldn't let me do anything to you, said it would make no difference.
The only time I sincerely want you is when my self-esteem is at ultimate lows. Other times, I think that it would be nice to meet through some misunderstanding or freak circumstance and somehow end up in bed together. I'd like to see if you really are as bad as I thought you were, and maybe give you the kind of highly orgasmic sex that makes it hard to walk for a few days. And never speak to you again. Maybe it's sad to want a good revenge fuck. It's probably better not to engage in such behavior, and I know you're not worth it. But... can't help but fantasize about it.
Then again, I don't want an STD.
Sophia
I still want you from time to time. There were so many things that were wrong the first time. First of all, 22 and 18 is a HUGE age difference, but 27 and 23 isn't so much of one. At least you told me you were 22. According to your facebook, you were 21. It's strange that you would lie about something like that. Regardless, a senior in college is much different than a freshman. Also, I was a complete puppy dog for you. I wanted you so bad that I would have lost myself completely just to have you.
But frankly, the few times we fucked, it wasn't that great. The first time, you barely kissed me. I know now that I needed a lot of kisses to ease me into the whole losing my virginity thing, need a lot of kissing in general during sex. And the second time, you were so high on hydrocodine pills (that I ground up because you were going to snort sharp little pieces and probably tear your nostrils up), that you wouldn't let me do anything to you, said it would make no difference.
The only time I sincerely want you is when my self-esteem is at ultimate lows. Other times, I think that it would be nice to meet through some misunderstanding or freak circumstance and somehow end up in bed together. I'd like to see if you really are as bad as I thought you were, and maybe give you the kind of highly orgasmic sex that makes it hard to walk for a few days. And never speak to you again. Maybe it's sad to want a good revenge fuck. It's probably better not to engage in such behavior, and I know you're not worth it. But... can't help but fantasize about it.
Then again, I don't want an STD.
Sophia
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Woman Crush
So, I've finally developed a crush on somebody again. And here's the strange thing. I've never met this person or spoken with this person. Who is it?
Her name is Margot Weiss, and she's an anthropologist who's stuff I've been reading. She did most of her field work on the BDSM community, and on SM play as an act which dissipates societal tension. It's very interesting stuff and she seems to work within the theoretical framework that (vernacularly) rocks my socks off. She sited an essay by Clifford Geertz about the Balinese cockfight several times. It's a very amusing essay, and works with the concept of symbol and metaphor within society. I have a total intellectual hard-on for that sort of thing.
Ok, so it's more of an OMG-she's-awesome woman-crush than a romantic crush. But still. I would probably not be able to talk if she suddenly walked into my office. And I might swoon a little bit.
Unfortunately, she teaches at a university that only has an anthro undergrad program, but I'm reading her PhD dissertation right now, and so I'm also looking into where she studied as a grad student. If she could apply the theoretical framework of "safe" and "accepted" anthropology to a topic that is so taboo (even in academic circles) and have that research approved by her advisers and published in Anthropologica, then perhaps that school is worth applying to.
Her name is Margot Weiss, and she's an anthropologist who's stuff I've been reading. She did most of her field work on the BDSM community, and on SM play as an act which dissipates societal tension. It's very interesting stuff and she seems to work within the theoretical framework that (vernacularly) rocks my socks off. She sited an essay by Clifford Geertz about the Balinese cockfight several times. It's a very amusing essay, and works with the concept of symbol and metaphor within society. I have a total intellectual hard-on for that sort of thing.
Ok, so it's more of an OMG-she's-awesome woman-crush than a romantic crush. But still. I would probably not be able to talk if she suddenly walked into my office. And I might swoon a little bit.
Unfortunately, she teaches at a university that only has an anthro undergrad program, but I'm reading her PhD dissertation right now, and so I'm also looking into where she studied as a grad student. If she could apply the theoretical framework of "safe" and "accepted" anthropology to a topic that is so taboo (even in academic circles) and have that research approved by her advisers and published in Anthropologica, then perhaps that school is worth applying to.
Day 6: Letter to a Stranger
Dear Stranger,
I haven't noticed many strangers on the street. That's probably because I don't go out much, and when I do, I am distracted. So I'm writing this letter to you -- to any stranger in general.
Whenever I see you and notice you, I always wonder about your life. Are you married? Do you have children? Are you having a good day? Are you an asshole? Then come the self-absorbed questions. Is there any possibility that we would somehow make out under the right circumstances? Would the two of us be friends? Do you like the same things I like?
Then you pass by me, and the moment is gone. It completely dissolves into my brain, like it never existed. Yet, on occasions such as this when I try to recall the experience of seeing you and thinking about you, the moment rematerializes and combines with the current moment.
At this moment, I wonder, will I ever speak to you? Will I ever learn the answers to the questions I have? Or will you always be a stranger?
Sophia
I haven't noticed many strangers on the street. That's probably because I don't go out much, and when I do, I am distracted. So I'm writing this letter to you -- to any stranger in general.
Whenever I see you and notice you, I always wonder about your life. Are you married? Do you have children? Are you having a good day? Are you an asshole? Then come the self-absorbed questions. Is there any possibility that we would somehow make out under the right circumstances? Would the two of us be friends? Do you like the same things I like?
Then you pass by me, and the moment is gone. It completely dissolves into my brain, like it never existed. Yet, on occasions such as this when I try to recall the experience of seeing you and thinking about you, the moment rematerializes and combines with the current moment.
At this moment, I wonder, will I ever speak to you? Will I ever learn the answers to the questions I have? Or will you always be a stranger?
Sophia
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Weekend Adventures
Last weekend, Mo and I decided to drive out to Nelson County (where the mountains are) and hit up an Apple Fest I went to as a kid. Let me describe an Apple Festival.
Apples, local honey, apple butter, apple pies, funnel cake, candy apples, a pumpkin patch, a corn maze, local artisans, and kittens! The kittens were absolutely adorable. Here are some pumpkins from the pumpkin patch. I know they don't look it, but they're huge. 
After finishing with the Apple Festival, Mo and I hiked up a mountain! It was a 1.7 mile hike, and we both made it to the top and back down in a few hours. It was a beautiful trail with a serious of cascades all along the trail. The leaves have been falling, and it was like walking on colors.
After finishing with the Apple Festival, Mo and I hiked up a mountain! It was a 1.7 mile hike, and we both made it to the top and back down in a few hours. It was a beautiful trail with a serious of cascades all along the trail. The leaves have been falling, and it was like walking on colors.
Day 5: Letter to My Dreams
Yes, I realize it's been a while since I posted. So my 30 days of letters may take a lot longer than that... I will do every single letter eventually, and in order. That being said...
Dear Sophia's Dreamworld,
I've been playing a lot of hidden object games recently. The more I move about in these moody, cyberspace dreamscapes, the more I realize that you are a lot like them. You're dark, you're moody, you're insane, you make no temporal sense. To be honest, if I spent too much time thinking about the things that happen when I'm with you, then I'm certain I would begin to perceive Time as cyclical instead of linear (which, incidentally, works for the Zuni and other Puebloan groups). I have some questions for you:
1. Why do my sex dreams so rarely consist of fucking, but instead have some strange exchange that is somehow symbolic of sex?
2. Are you a reflection of my reality or a representation of my subconcious?
3. Does my Yiayia enter into my dreams, the way I suspect she does?
4. When I have joint dreams with Mo, how the hell does that work, exactly? How is it possible that the two of us could have the same dream at the same time?
Now that I've asked those questions, I'd like to thank you for being so colorful and vibrant. I'd also like to thank you for providing me with night-time entertainment.
Sophia
Dear Sophia's Dreamworld,
I've been playing a lot of hidden object games recently. The more I move about in these moody, cyberspace dreamscapes, the more I realize that you are a lot like them. You're dark, you're moody, you're insane, you make no temporal sense. To be honest, if I spent too much time thinking about the things that happen when I'm with you, then I'm certain I would begin to perceive Time as cyclical instead of linear (which, incidentally, works for the Zuni and other Puebloan groups). I have some questions for you:
1. Why do my sex dreams so rarely consist of fucking, but instead have some strange exchange that is somehow symbolic of sex?
2. Are you a reflection of my reality or a representation of my subconcious?
3. Does my Yiayia enter into my dreams, the way I suspect she does?
4. When I have joint dreams with Mo, how the hell does that work, exactly? How is it possible that the two of us could have the same dream at the same time?
Now that I've asked those questions, I'd like to thank you for being so colorful and vibrant. I'd also like to thank you for providing me with night-time entertainment.
Sophia
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