Crankytime Letters

Dear Indian Art History bitch,
Thanks for the nervous breakdown you gave me yesterday. Can I please receive compensation for the five hours I spent crying? How about an automatic A in your class with no more work or attendance throughout the rest of the semester?
Wishing I could blackmail you,
Sophia


Dear Caramel Machiatto I threw out yesterday,
I regret that I never even got to take a sip of you. I also regret throwing you in the garbage. Getting lobbed at the Art History professor's head would have been a much more dignified death.
Sincerely,
Sophia (the machiatto addict with a stomach ache)


Dear Love of my Life,
I am so sorry. I don't know why we fought this morning. I don't know what's happening to me. I'm sorry I've become such a stressed out bitch. I'm sorry that I rely on you so much to take care of me. You should have been doing your homework last night, but I needed you. I wish I wasn't this needy. I'm also sorry that I bought a sandwich and chocolate and I'm going to eat it all before I can share it with you when you get out of class.
Hoping you'll forgive me,
Sophia


Dear Food,
Why are you the thing that consistently makes me feel better? Sure I eat mostly healthy food when I'm stressed (except for the chocolate), but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like a fucking pig when I eat and subsequently feel a bit happier.
Sophia


Dear German Art History Bitch,
Your homework assignment is not worth my sanity.
Hoping you croak,
Sophia

Dear Sanity,
Isn't it about time you got off holiday? You're needed at home, in my brain.
Missing you,
Sophia

Dear friend who needs to get over himself,
Get over yourself. I'm sick of hearing about how depressed you are, how much your life sucks, how hard your life has been. We all have hard lives, and you forget that I grew up in a domestically violent household, too. I'm sick of hearing about how hard your homework is. You're in freshman-level classes, for fuck's sake, and you're of reasonable intelligence. I doubt that everything is as hard as you say it is. Plus, if you're not going to do your math homework, stop asking my girlfriend to bail your lazy ass out when you flunk the test. Perhaps you should finally learn how to put yourself in another person's shoes. It's something that you never do.
Not planning on speaking to you for a while,
Sophia (your cranky friend who still loves you even though she's pissed)